


I know I can love you better

by Belladeana



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Artist Clarke Griffin, Barrista Bellamy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Jealousy, Misunderstandings, Painting, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-01-20 09:28:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 26,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12429897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Belladeana/pseuds/Belladeana
Summary: ”I get it. Not boyfriend material, huh?” he shrugs, and then ”I guess it was a bad idea, anyway. Not to sure Echo would approve.”Clarke stops laughing immediatly. Echo? Her mind is searching, trying to remember the name, something Miller might have mentioned? She draws blank.”Who’s Echo and why wouldn’t she approve?” Clarke says with a sinking feeling in her gut.Bellamy’s looking guarded all of a sudden, not really catching her gaze, shrugging again. ”She’s the one I’ve been seeing”, Bellamy says, trying for casual but not quite succeding.Clarke’s heart misses a beat. She suddenly is feeling raw, exposed, and a cold feeling is settling in her stomach. ”Since when?” Clarke’s voice sounds fragile, not quite holding.”Since september?”Bellamy and Clarke are best friends and Clarke feels safe knowing she is the girl he cares most about until one day she isn’t.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "Full Of Grace"
> 
> The winter here's cold, and bitter  
> it's chilled us to the bone  
> we haven't seen the sun for weeks  
> too long too far from home  
> I feel just like I'm sinking  
> and I claw for solid ground  
> I'm pulled down by the undertow  
> I never thought I could feel so low  
> oh darkness I feel like letting go
> 
> If all of the strength and all of the courage  
> come and lift me from this place  
> I know I can love you much better than this  
> full of grace  
> full of grace  
> my love
> 
> So it's better this way, I said  
> having seen this place before  
> where everything we say and do  
> hurts us all the more  
> its just that we stayed, too long  
> in the same old sickly skin  
> I'm pulled down by the undertow  
> I never thought I could feel so low  
> oh darkness I feel like letting go
> 
> If all of the strength  
> and all of the courage  
> come and lift me from this place  
> I know I could love you much better than this  
> full of grace  
> full of grace  
> my love
> 
> Sarah Mclachlan

Everything begins with Echo. Until Echo, Clarke's life has been, if not a straight highway, at least a pleasant country road without too many caves in the road. Her friendship with Bellamy as well. She has always known she is his best friend, the one who comes first (apart from those first weeks, when they more or less hated each other), been completely safe in her status as "the most important person in Bellamy's life". Well, besides Octavia, obviously, but then O chose to move to the other side of the country with Lincoln, and since then it has been Clarke and Bellamy against the world.

The evening when everything changes is like most evenings. After a long day at the hospital, where she has had patients and relatives swearing and screaming at her (ending up in tears and clinging to her while crying), where she has faced the bad mood of the head nurse (the woman is going through a harsh divorce and takes her bitterness out on everyone around her) and on top of that been forced to endure the surgeon's slippery invites and wandering fingers, she finally finds herself at the couch in Bellamy's flat, possibly her favourite place in the world. A place where she can relax and just be, her safe haven, her sanctuary.

”Can you imagine that the old dog wondered if I wanted to go to the Miró exhibition with him this weekend?" Clarke says, throwing her hands up in a dejected gesture.

”Clarke, you have to put your foot down!" Bellamy says while shaking his head. "He will never pick up on your subtle signals. Manschauvinists never do. The only language they’ll understand is ’fuck off!’ Bellamy says and sighs. ”Or possibly a fist to the face.”

”Easy for you to say!" Clarke exclaims. ”Just because your female colleagues in the historical institution have the decency to keep things professional!”

"You know how much this internship means to me”, she continues. ”It can open doors for my future career, you know that!”

Clarke sighs, annoyed and upset about the entire situation. Bellamy comes up behind her and puts a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it a little.

”I did not mean it like that, Clarke”, he says. "It’s just so frustrating, seeing how hard it is on you.” He falls silent, thinking. "Would it help if I came by, you think?” he finally says.

”Why would it help?" Clarke wonders.

”Well, I mean, if he thought I was your boyfriend?”

Clarke just stares at Bellamy, who is looking at her with an open, trusty expression on his face. Something stirs in her chest, a warm, happy feeling, something she can’t grasp or put her head around, but his suggestion makes her feel slightly awkward and nervous and before she can help herself, she bursts into laughter. Bellamy makes a face, rolling his eyes and the moment is gone.

”Yeah, yeah. Hilarious, Princess.”

”I’m sorry, Bellamy. It’s just, well...”

”I get it. Not boyfriend material, huh?” he shrugs, and then ”I guess it was a bad idea, anyway. Not to sure Echo would approve.”

Clarke stops laughing immediatly. Echo? Her mind is searching, trying to remember the name, something Miller might have mentioned? She draws blank.

”Who’s Echo and why wouldn’t she approve?” Clarke says with a sinking feeling in her gut.

Bellamy’s looking guarded all of a sudden, not really catching her gaze, shrugging again.

”She’s the one I’ve been seeing”, Bellamy says, trying for casual but not quite succeding.

Clarke’s heart misses a beat. She suddenly is feeling raw, exposed, and a cold feeling is settling in her stomach.

”Since when?” Clarke’s voice sounds fragile, not quite holding.

”Since september?” Bellamy says. He is definitly not looking at her now. ”Do you want a beer? I’m getting a beer.”

He disappears into the kitchen, leaving Clarke frozen on the couch, in an inner turmoil she can’t explain.

Bellamy has a girlfriend. He has been seeing this Echo for almost two months and she didn’t know about it. She is feeling odly out of it, like life as she knew it is going on as normal (which it is, of course) but she somehow stopped functioning, been left outside, looking in like a spectator.

Bellamy. Has. A. Girlfriend. Echo. His girlfriend. As in a girl friend. A friend who’s a girl. But not her. Not Clarke.

A girlfriend that’s going to take her place. A girlfriend who will win out because she is fucking him. He is fucking her. Bellamy is serious about a girl he is fucking. The realisation hits her hard.

Bellamy has been the uncrowned king of one night stands. For a while there, there were so many girls Clarke tuned out. But he was never serious about anyone, and the girls he hooked up with didn’t seem to be either, so it was all good. No one ever threatened Clarke’s position as best friend and most important girl in Bellamy’s life. But she suddenly realises it’s been a good, long while now since Bellamy hooked up with anyone. Maybe like a year, or so, come to think of it. That is, until now.

Bellamy returns from the kitchen with two beers, and as he sits down besides Clarke on the couch, he hands her one. Their fingers brush lightly as she grabs the bottle, and it suddenly makes her feel awkward and self aware as she never has around him before.

”Want to watch a movie” he asks.

”No”, Clarke thinks, ”I don’t want to watch a movie, I want to talk about this girlfriend of yours and how she is going to affect you and me and us and whatever we are, or were”, but she doesn’t. She just shrugs. ”Sure. What do you want to watch?”

They settle for some dystopic movie Clarke vaguely recalls seeing before, and as they drink their beers and watch the movie, some of their usual easiness settles back in, but when Clarke leaves that night, it’s without the good night hug they normally share and as she walks home in the dark october night, she feels like she has lost something precious that she didn’t even know was hers to lose.


	2. Chapter 2

The week that follows upon that night is weird. It’s weird, because Clarke feels she needs some space from Bellamy after his announcement, space to let herself think and try to figure out why the fact that he is serious about someone is making her so... well, what? Melancholy? Upset? Jealous? But it’s space she can’t have, because it’s the week of his birthday and she is the one in charge of the party they are going to throw down at their favourite spot, The Ark. Everyone is coming, the entire gang is joining, even O and Lincoln is flying in since Bellamy is not only turning 30, but also just got a professors grade at the history department of the university. 

So, between her shifts at the hospital and her mail conversations with the bar staff and her gift issues (what do you give to a history nerd that basically lives at the library?) and the constant calls from all their friends (Are you sure we can stay at your place? What are you going to wear, formal or casual? Would Bellamy like a cat? Can my friend join us? Have you made certain Miller’s not working that night?) she has very little time to think at all. 

Except she does, anyway. She thinks about Bellamy and Echo during her long shifts at the hospital. She thinks about them on the bus on her way home. She thinks about them when she finally goes to bed. And everytime she does, the dull ache in her chest that’s been there since the night he told her, flares up into a massive pain that seems to pierce through her chest, straight through her heart.

She wonders what Echo’s like? Will she be anything like her? If she is, is that good or bad? Or if she isn’t? Will she like her? (”No!” her heart yells, ”No you will not like her because she is taking your Bellamy away from you!”) Will they be able to be friends? 

After four days of this, she can’t take it anymore so she calls Raven and asks if she can come over that night.

When Raven arrives (with pizza and ice cream, bless her heart) she takes one look at Clarke and blurts ”What’s wrong?”

Clarke is not prepared for such directness (although she knows what Raven’s like and somehow should have foreseen this) so she just grabs the pizza and ice cream and heads for the kitchen while mumbling ”nothing’s wrong” over her shoulder.

Raven makes a sound, and although Clarke can’t see it, she knows it’s followed by a major eyeroll, Raven style, and she hears her snort ”yeah, right” as she follows Clarke into the kitchen.

”So, he finally told you?” Raven says. 

Clarke almost drops the ice cream. ”You knew about Echo?” she says as she turns and stares at Raven. ”You knew, and you didn’t tell me?”

Raven looks unfaced. 

”Cool down, I have only known for a week. I accidently bumped into them when Wick took me out last saturday. Bellamy asked me not to mention anything to any of you, since he wanted to tell you himself. And by the look on your face, I’m guessing he did?”

Clarke sinks down on a chair and slumps. ”Yeah, he told me.”

”Well, I can tell you’re not happy about it. In fact, your entire body language says you’re misserable.”

Clarke sighs. 

”No, I’m not ’misserable’, I’m just... kind of... confused.” 

”Confused? About what, exactly?” Raven looks at her with a slighly mocking expression.

”About where we stand. I mean, as friends. Me and Bellamy. Where does this leave us? You know?”

Raven sighs. ”Jesus.” She turns to Clarke. 

”Seriously. The poor guy has been head over heals for you for ages, and when he finally tries to move on, then you decide to wake up and smell the roses?”

Clarke just stares at Raven.

”Oh, come on, Clarke! Even you can’t be that oblivious! Bellamy has been in love with you since you both met, even if he was to thick to get it at first, but we all knew. Hey, we’ve been betting on who would make the first move, him or you. Huh. Guess we all lose this one”, Raven says to herself.

”Are you all insane?” Clarke yells. ”He is not in love with me, he never was! He is my best friend, that’s all!”

Raven crooks her head and looks pointently at her.

”Oh yeah. Sure. Friends. Except you do not look at your friends that way.”

”What way?”

”Long, interlocked gazes. Eyes lingering on lips. Looks filled with longing, yearning, wanting. But oh yeah. Definitely just friends.”

Clarke’s speechless. She just sits there, staring into space, thinking back. Thinking about her and Bellamy. Suddenly, she isn’t so sure. She remembers his eyes, that always seemed to follow her. How it made her feel warm, loved, secure. How he would always be there for her, listening to her yelling after another fight with her mom, how he was holding her when she was crying after her terrible break up with Lexa, how he cancelled his plans when she needed to hang with him, how he always seemed to have time for her. 

She is thinking of how she never questioned any of it. How she never once thought about why he hadn’t even tried to be serious about anyone. After all, he was a smart, well educated guy, warm, funny, kind and, let’s face it, gorgeous. How come he hadn’t even attempted to have a life with somebody? 

He wanted it, she knew that much, because he said so when they were talking about it, after Lexa. He wanted a family of his own, some day. He wanted to have kids, give them everything he never had, due to an alcoholic mother and an absent father. She could see him clearly, how he pulled his fingers through his hair, while he looked out the window with longing in his eyes. But she had been to messed up, caught up in her own sadness, to self involved to even consider his needs, and that maybe the reason he gave her so much, was so utterly selfless, was not only because that was how Bellamy was, but because he had feelings for her? 

Suddenly everything is so very clear to her. She can’t believe she has been so blind! She looks up at Raven with a panicked expression on her face.

”Ahh”, Raven says. ”So you’re finally on the same page as the rest of us?” 

Clarke’s eyes suddenly wells up.

”Oh god”, she wails, ”what am I going to do? What am I going to do? I’ve lost him, Raven!”

Raven stands up, walks around the table and put her arms around her. ”Honey, no you haven’t. You’ll always be special to Bellamy, you know that.”

”Yes”, Clarke manage, ”but he will never be mine now. And... and I just realised that’s all I want! Raven, I’m in love with him too!” 

And then she finally breaks and slumps in Raven’s arms as her body is torn with violent sobs as it finally dawns upon her how much she actually lost in his appartment four nights ago, how that was the moment when he mentally let go of her hand to take someone elses instead. And how she might have to live the rest of her life regretting it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, part two is complete. Let me know what you think? Constructive critizism is the best to improve and make it better.


	3. Chapter 3

The rest of the night is a mess, really. She’s a mess. She cries off and on for an hour, ranting about how she can’t believe she didn’t see it before, how she could deceive herself so completely, why he never said anything, why Raven never said anything. She goes from being heartbroken about it to being angry and then back to being heartbroken again. At the end of the hour she stops crying and just curls up on the sofa, arms tightly wrapped around her knees, just sitting there, staring out into nothing.  


Raven stays with her that night, and after many hours of crying, talking, and then crying again, Clarke falls asleep on the sofa, though she never thought she would be able to.

The morning after, Clarke makes Raven swear to not tell Bellamy anything about what happened or about Clarke’s feelings for him. Raven objects at first, argues that Bellamy deserves to know, it’s the only way he will be able to make a rightful decision, but Clarke becomes almost hysterical so Raven finally agrees not to. 

Bellamy calls Clarke both on wednesday and on thursday but she lets it go to voice mail, since she just can’t face him yet. He doesn’t leave a message. He texts her on friday, though. 

”Hi stranger!  
Quoting Harry here:  
The fact that you’re not answering leads me to believe that (a) You’re not home, (b) You’re home but you don’t want to talk to me, or (c) You’re home, desperately want to talk to me, but you’re trapped under something heavy. If it’s either (a) or (c), please give me a call.”

Him quoting one of her favourite parts of When Harry Met Sally (a movie they’ve seen together so many times, she has lost count) makes her smile. She recalls that time they were both rather drunk, coming home from a party and in their state of intoxication started making impressions of what their own, faked orgasms would sound like. That recollection makes her sad again, because she knows that the days when they were able to do silly, spontaneous stuff like that together are gone now.

She doesn’t call him back.

Saturday finally arrives, and so does Octavia and Lincoln. Clarke picks them up at the airport, borrowing Murphy’s car as planned. Although Clarke is really happy to see them both, she can tell Octavia knows something is up. She has always been really receptive about moods and atmospheres. When they get back to Clarke’s appartment, Lincoln decides to take a shower, and the minute the door closes to the bathroom, Octavia drags Clarke into the kitchen and pushes her down on a chair. 

”So, what did he do this time?”

Clarke doesn’t know what to say, grasping for time.

”What did who do?”

Octavia makes a face.

”My stupid brother, of course! It’s obvious something is going on between you two. When I talked to him on the phone earlier he was weird as fuck and when I asked about you he just grunted. And now you, being all tense and sad looking. So, what’s up?”

Clarke sighs. Receptive, for sure.

”He didn’t ’do’ anything, exactly, it’s just... he is seeing somebody, has been for a while, apparently, but he for some reason didn’t tell me until a week ago. It got a bit awkward after that.”

Octavia just looks at Clarke for a moment, with a pensive look on her face.

”So, Bell is dating? Really? Huh. Never saw that coming, to be truthful. I’ll have to kill him for not telling me, that’s for sure. So, who is she and why is it awkward?”

”She is Echo” Clarke says. ”Actually, I don’t know anything else.” 

And Clarke realises that’s true. She never came around to asking Bellamy that night, and he didn’t tell her either. 

”As for it being awkward, well the fact that he didn’t mentioned to me that he was seeing somebody since we are... best friends, you know? I just feel... hurt, I guess?”

She hopes Octavia will buy that. She can’t take more confessions about her feelings right now, not with the party being tonight and all. 

Octavia looks at her as she knows there’s more to it than that, but she must read something in Clarke’s expression because she doesn’t push. She just shrugs.

”Well, he is my thick brother, what did you expect? I’ll will make him suffer for it, though, don’t you worry”, Octavia winks at her and that’s when Lincoln emerge from the bathroom and they change the subject.

•

By the time they need to be leaving for the party, Clarke is a nervous wreck. She must have changed her clothes a gazillion times and is on the verge of tears when Octavia takes charge and picks a lovely, laced black dress out for her. It hugs her curves at just the right places but still manages to make her look classy and elegant. Octavia helps her put hair up in a messy, effortless hairdo that becomes a perfect contrast to the dress. When she looks in the mirror, she can tell she looks beautiful. They can finally leave.

When they arrive at the bar, many of their friends are already there. Jasper, Maya, Murphy and Emori, Monty and Harper are all talking to Miller. The tall, cute guy standing beside him must be his new boyfriend, Jackson. When they spot Octavia and Lincoln chaos errupts as everyone is trying to hug everyone at the same time. 

”Finally”, Raven says, returning from the bar. ”I spoke to the bartender, he will bring the sangrias in a minute.”

Raven takes a closer look at Clarke and whistles.

”Damn, girl! You look awesome!”

In that moment the door to the bar opens and Bellamy walks in, side by side with a tall, athletic looking and beautiful brunette. Clarke feels like she can’t breathe. Because Clarke instinctivly knows this is Echo. And that’s when Bellamy catches her eye.

They look at each other for what feels like ages but is probably just seconds, but Clarke feels devestated, because she knows how she must look, no chance of hiding her shock and hurt. So she tears her eyes away, turns around and say ”lets give a cheer for the birthday boy, shall we?” and then everyone is cheering, raising their glasses and Bellamy is sweaped up in hugs and back slaps and ”happy birthdays” and Clarke gets some time to get herself together until it’s her turn to hug him and when she does, she feels like crying again and she doesn’t want to let him go, but then she has to and when she does, she is finding herself face to face with Echo.

”So, you must be the friend I’ve heard so much about? Clarke, right? I’m the girlfriend. Echo.” the girl says with a smirk, offering Clarke her hand, and Clarke knows, instinctivly, that she really hates this girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, they met. Happy to hear your thoughts about this chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

The rest of the evening turns out to be pure torture. Echo won’t leave Bellamy’s side and he seems nothing but pleased with it. She is glued to his arm, pressing herself against him. As they get seated by the table, Echo squeezes herself down besides Bellamy with that excruciating smirk never leaving her face. 

Oh yes. Clarke really, really hates this girl, like she has never hated anybody before.

When it’s time for presents, Octavia and Lincoln, who Bellamy is so surprised and happy to see (”O, you sneaky little sis, you said you couldn’t make it, never trusting you again!”) gives Bellamy a new Playstation (I’m going to whip your ass before I leave, big brother!”) and then everyone follows. Monty and Harper brings him an ice cream machine and Jasper and Maya a gift voucher at a gallery downtown (”I was going to get you a cat, man!”). 

He gets really nice gifts from everyone until it’s only Clarke left and she can’t put it off any longer. So she hands him her parcel, with a forced smile. 

”Happy birthday, Bellamy.”

He smiles and takes the parcel and opens it, revealing a book. It’s a first edition of Joyce’s Ulysses, signed by the author. Bellamy has been eying it forever at the antiquarian close to the university campus. When she bought it, it felt like the perfect gift for him. Now, with Echo there, it seems way to extravagant, personal and intimate. 

Bellamy just looks at the book for a long time, the others asking about it, talking, reaching over to have a look at the signature, and then he lifts his eyes and meet hers and there is so much she wants to say in that moment, but Echo’s there, glaring, and she chookes on whatever she was going to say, so all that comes out is ”I knew you liked it, so..”

”Clarke... wow. It’s... wow. I love it! But it’s to much, you shouldn’t...”

Bellamy’s eyes bore into hers and she feels like she is going to explode or implode or just die, she feels hot and cold at the same time, to much focus on her, to much, to intense, damn it, why didn’t she go for a new toaster instead? And then Echo says something, she doesn’t catch it at first, due to the chaos in her head, but then she processes it.

”Great, now you can educate me some more in bed, Bell!”

Jasper starts laughing, Monty looks slightly horrified, Emori makes a face and Murphy just smirks, while Bellamy freezes with the book in his hands. There is a tense, awkward silence, before Octavia saves them.

”Well, as far as inappropriate comments go, that one takes the price. I am his sister, you know. There are things I really don’t need to know? Hey, bartender, can we have some more drinks over here? We sure could use them right about now!”

Clarke’s and Bellamy’s eyes meet over the table and Bellamy has a look of shame, guilt and something she can’t decipher on his face. She, on the other hand, feels numb with a queasy feeling in her gut, so she just looks away, anywhere but at his beautiful face, or she thinks she might throw up over the table. 

Shortly after, she gets up and goes to the bathroom, locks herself in one of the stalls and lets herself cry. She stays there for what feels like a really long time, until she pulls herself together and walks back out into the bar. Everyone is still around the table, talking and drinking, as she approaches the table. 

Raven looks up as she gets close, searching her face and obviously finding wathever she is looking for, because her expression softens and she gives Clarke a small, sad smile.

”How are you feeling, you look a little pale?” 

”Not great, actually. I think one of my migraines is coming on.”

She turns to the others.

”I’m really sorry, guys, but I need to go home. I’m not feeling so good.” 

Raven asks if she should come with her, but Clarke just shakes her head. Octavia searches her eyes with a curious look on her face, while Lincoln promises they will be quiet when they get in later. Clarke then finally turns to Bellamy, steeling herself. He is looking at her with worried, sad eyes.

”Happy birthday again, ok?” she says, feeling her mouth quiver. ”I’m sorry for leaving, but I hope you’ll have a great evening, ok?”

With that, she turns and leaves. She thinks she hears him calling her name, but she isn’t sure. When the cold air outside the bar reaches her, she feels the lump in her throat grow bigger and her eyes starts welling up again. She waves at a cab that luckily pulls over, and she quickly gets into the back seat, telling the driver her address. As the taxi pulls away from the pavement, she sees the door to the bar being pulled open but she turns away, not waiting to see who it is. 

As the taxi takes her home through the familiar streets, she sits there in the dark, so very alone, missing the warm feeling that used to be always present, the security that was Bellamy’s love. Now that it’s gone, it has left a gaping hole in her entire being. She is sitting there, so very full of regret, seeing all those missed opportunities, and she wonders if she will ever feel happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am in love with this story! It’s so easy to write, too. It just comes to me as I go along. Writing has never been this easy and joyful before!


	5. Chapter 5

When Clarke gets home, she goes straight to bed, not bothering with removing make up or brushing her teeth or anything. She just steps out of her dress, leaving it at the floor all crumpled, and crawls between the sheets, curling up in a fetus position, and that’s how she finally falls asleep, hours later.

The morning after, she can’t be bothered to get up. Octavia knocks on her door, asking if she wants breakfast.

”No”, she replies, ”I’m feeling sick, I think it might be the flu, actually.”

Octavia comes in then, fussing a bit, gets Lincoln to make reservations at a hotel nearby and with promises that Clarke will call if she needs anything (”Anything, ok?!”), they leave and Clarke has the place to herself again.

She finally gets up, takes a shower and put some pajamas on. After some breakfast, she slumps in front of the tv, not really watching, just staring, letting her thoughts wander to the night before.

She cringes when she recalls certain things; Echo’s smirk, her comments, the intimate way she touched Bellamy, how Bellamy looked when he got the book. That’s when she remembers her phone that she turned off, leaving the bar.

She has three missed calls, one from Raven, two from Bellamy and two voice messages.

”Hi sweetie!” It’s Raven’s voice, she is yelling to drown out the sounds from the noisy bar in the background. ”What a bitch! Don’t get what he sees in her, seriously? Anyway, just wanted to see that you came home in one piece. Call me?”

The next is from Bellamy.

”Clarke? I’m so sorry, ok?” His voice sounds strained. ”This is not how this evening should have turned out. I tried to call you to tell you I was bringing Echo, but you never got back to me?” He sounds a bit angry now. ”Why didn’t you return my calls? Why aren’t you answering know? What the fuck, Clarke?! You making me feel like shit right now, you know?” His voice breaks a bit. There’s a pause, then ”Ok, I’m sorry, didn’t mean to yell at you, it’s just... you are...” Someone says something in the background and Bellamy answers ”yeah, I’m coming!” then ”I’ve got to go, but Clarke, could you call me tomorrow? Please? I really want to talk to you, ok?” and then he hangs up.

She wants to call him, she really does, but she just can’t do it right now because she knows she will break if she does and she can’t do that to him or her. He is to important to her so she needs to get a grip on her emotions before she talks to him.

She calls Raven, though. She picks up at the second signal.

”Clarke, how are you feeling? Any better? Oh, you would not believe last night! Seriously, where the fuck did Bellamy find this piece of trash? I swear to god, if he keeps seeing this bitch he will have to do without me, I’m just saying!”

Clarke can’t help but smiling, Raven is a force of nature when mad.

”What happened?”

”Nothing much. Just more of the same crap. Slurs. Inappropriate jokes. Sex innuendos. She is just a bitch, that’s what. I told Bellamy as much too.”

”What? You didn’t? What did he say?”

”He got mad, defensive. Said she was nervous meeting everyone, especially you, apparently, and that I shouldn’t be so quick to judge, crap like that. We are not the best of buddies at the moment” Raven snorts. ”Oh, guess what! Miller doesn’t like her either! I overheard him talking to Bellamy. Something like ’...lonely and pining, but this? Man, why? She needs to tone it down, or no one will want to hang with you, no more!’ Guess we can always count on Miller, right? Indisputable taste, that one. Oh, and Jackson is a total sweetheart, you will love him!”

The topic changes then, from Bellamy to details from the party and who said what to whom, who got wasted and the usual post party stuff. Raven even gets Clarke to laugh by retelling the story of Jasper, drunk of his asses, standing up on the table to recite his favourite parts of ”Big Bang Theory”. When they hang up, she almost feel normal, that is until she gets a flash of Bellamy’s face as Echo presses a kiss on his cheek, and then she is back to feeling misserable again.

•

She calls in sick on monday and stays home on tuesday too, but on wednesday she’s back at the hospital. She goes to the cafeteria to get lunch as she often do, and it’s Niylah working and for some reason she can’t explain, she asks her to the movies that night and Niylah says yes and they end up at Clarke’s place afterwards.

Clarke comes around Niylah’s fingers buried deep in her cunt, while the girl sucks her clit into her mouth, but all Clarke can see is Bellamy, how it should be his head between her thighs, fucking her with his tongue, wispering dirty nothings as he makes her come, over and over. She feels really bad about it afterwards, like she has used Niylah and violated her friendship with Bellamy. Luckily, Niylah picks up on the signals and leaves, telling Clarke she had a good time and that is that.

Bellamy calls her on thursday, but she can’t make herself pick up. Bellamy’s voice on the message he leaves is hard, full of anger.

”Clarke! What the fuck, seriously? Am I getting the silent treatment? Why the fuck won’t you answer? Could you at least tell me what I’ve done that’s so fucking offensive to you? You know what, Clarke? Fuck it! I’m not calling you anymore! When you decide to grow up and face me, you know what to do!”

She deserves it, she knows she does, but it still hurts so much, hearing him saying this to her, hearing him being this upset and angry with her. But she doesn’t know what to do. It’s like the moment where she could have saved their friendship with a casual phone call, an appology for being weird followed by some bad jokes has come and gone and now they will need to sit down and have a serious conversation about where they are at, and she just can’t muster up the courage for that, she just can’t.

So the weeks goes by. She hangs with Raven some, talks to Harper over the phone, bumps into Miller on her way home from work and even have coffee with Murphy one afternoon, but Bellamy is never mentioned, which is kind of weird, since he is (was?) her best friend, but it’s like everyone knows that this is a sensitive topic, something to be thread lightly upon, which makes Clarke realise that Raven was right. All of their friends have known about her and Bellamy’s feelings for her and therefore no one pushes her on the subject.

She misses him, though. She misses him like a limb been cut of. There is like ten times a day when she instinctivly is about to call him or text him to tell him something funny that happened, or talk to him about something that upset her or ask him something about something because she always has and he always knows the answer. And then she recalls that she can’t call or text him, because he isn’t hers to call or text anymore and she feels like she has been stabbed in the heart and she misses him so much that it’s hard to breathe.

On friday night, three weeks after the party, she is home alone after a long day at the hospital, when suddenly someone knocks at the door. If it’s something Clarke really hates, it’s unannounced visitors, and especially on weekends, so she gets up, tiptoes to the door and take a peak through the peak hole. 

It’s Bellamy. Clarke’s heart nearly stops. She is considering hiding out, hoping he can’t hear the tv, or that he didn’t notice the lights being on, when he suddenly pounds on the door, and she hears him, his voice raised, angry.

”Open up, Clarke! I know you’re home, I saw the lights and I can hear the damn tv!”

There isn’t much to do, then. The moment has come, regardless of her being ready for it or not. So she takes a deep breath, gathers herself and opens the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger, I know, I appologise. But I need a little breather to figure some stuff out.


	6. Chapter 6

”What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Bellamy’s voice is hard and guarded. He just stands there in the hallway with an aggressive stance, arms folded over his chest. Clarke feels exhausted and defeted already. 

”Do you plan to do this here, for all my neighbours to hear, or are you coming inside?” 

She turns around and walks towards the kitchen. She doesn’t look back, but the door slams shut behind her so she knows he is following.

”Do you want tea? I’m making tea.” she asks in an atempt to ease the tension between them.

”No, Clarke, I don’t want tea. I want to know what the fuck is wrong, that’s what I want!”

Bellamy’s voice is thick with emotion and barely contained anger. Clarke fiddles with the tea pot while desperately trying to find a way to go about this. Suddenly, Bellamy grabs her by the arm.

”Will you fucking stop that and look at me?!”

He spins her around and the look on his face makes her die a little inside because he looks so angry and resentful and she knows that look, it just hasn’t been directed towards her before and she just can’t take it so she tears her arm away.

”Don’t touch me!”

Bellamy looks like she has hit him. The hurt flashes over his face for a brief second and then it’s gone, replaced by a stern expression. This is the Bellamy Clarke remembers from their early days, closed off, hard and unyielding.

”Don’t worry, won’t happen again” he says.

They just stare at each other for a moment, tense and awkward. 

”Can I be allowed to make my tea now? I’ve had a really long day and you are the one who showed up uninvited, so forgive me if I need a second to ajust to the change of plans for this evening?” Clarke’s voice is sarcastic to mask the pain underneath it.

Bellamy doesn’t answer so Clarke just turns and pours some tea in a cup before she sits down at the table. Bellamy sighs and sits down as well.

They sit there quiet for a while. Clarke is sipping her tea. Eventually, the silence becomes unbearable.

”So, how have you been?”

Bellamy snorts and just shakes his head, looking down at the table.

”How have I been? Really?” He looks up at her. ”Clarke, please give me a break? When were you ever a coward?”

”Since I realised I’m in love with you” she wants to scream, but of course she doesn’t. She knows in that moment she can’t tell him. Not now. Not like this. Not with all the resentment and anger between them. But she needs to say something. He needs, no, he deserves an explanation. But what explanation can she possibly offer? 

”I don’t like her!” she blurts and the moment she says it she knows, this is what she has been dreading all along and this is why she has been putting this conversation off, because of the way he reacts. Because she can litterally see how he retreats a bit further, how he is detaching himself a bit more from her, and she had no idea that her beautiful, wonderful, warm Bellamy could ever make her feel so rejected, so crushed and so ugly as he is making her feel right now, just by looking at her.

”You don’t like her?” Bellamy’s voice is turning sarcastic now. ”So you met the girl I’m dating for what, ten seconds, and you decide you don’t like her and so you just ditch me like I’m worth nothing, like I’m just an aquaintance? Like we are not worth more? Like I’m not worth... anything?” 

The sarcasm has left Bellamy’s voice and all that is left is hurt. He sounds so vulnerable and naked all of a sudden, and she feels like crying, because of course he is worth more. He is her god damn everything and how the hell did things get so twisted and wrong and hard between them so fast? All of a sudden, the past weeks emotional turmoil becomes to much for Clarke. She feels anger boil up inside her and she just had enough!

”No, I don’t like her!” she yells. ”She showed up at your birthday party being a total bitch, that’s what! I had planned for us to have a fun night, celebrating your new position at the university and she comes in being all over you like you were fucking teenagers at a damn keg party! And you! You just sat there, looking all content and you just let her take over! I mean Bell, sex jokes about the book I gave you, who the fuck does that?!”

Bellamy looks stunned for a second but soon recovers.

”Yeah, you think she ruined my party? I say you did!” he retorts. ”You turned your back on her the moment we showed up and then didn’t even try to make her feel welcome and then you disappear for like an hour and when you finally show up again, it’s only to let us know you’re leaving? Migraine my ass, you ditched me on my birthday because you couldn’t stand not being the centre of the fucking universe, princess!”

Bellamy slams his palm into the table. 

Clarke just sits there, staring at him. She had not even considered that he could have percieved it that way and the fact that he has makes something break inside her that she isn’t sure he will ever be able to mend. ”How did we ever come to this”, she thinks. ”How did we manage to become those ugly versions of ourselves in just no time?”

She looks up at Bellamy. His eyes are closed as he pinches the bridge of his nose, looking just the way she is feeling, stressed, sad and unbelieving. He opens his eyes and looks at her then.

”I’m sorry, Clarke” he says with a pained voice, his face distorted with sadness. ”I didn’t mean...”

”Yes, you did, Bellamy.” Clarke’s voice is suddenly dead calm and even. ”Let’s be real about it. You meant it. So did I. And I can’t believe we’ve come to this. But we have.”

”Come to what?” Bellamy’s voice is turning frantic.

”I think we need a break from this.” Clarke hears herself say.

”So that’s it? You are serious? You are going to let Echo get between us, aren’t you?” Bellamy stands up and starts pacing, carding his fingers through his hair. Clarke just sits there, strangely detached, numb inside. The more upset Bellamy gets, the more numb Clarke feels.

”I’m just... I need to sort some stuff out...” she whispers.

”Sort things out? What the fuck does that even mean? I can’t believe you! I finally meet someone that I maybe can feel excited about... I mean, after everything, after what we’ve been through! After Lexa? And you just...” his voice breaks.

”Don’t you bring her into this, Bellamy! Don’t you dare!” Clarke’s stands up too, her voice shrill and trembeling. 

Bellamy stops then. He becomes still, just looks at her for a long time with utter sadness in his eyes, seemingly tracing her features as if he wants to memorize them. She stares back at him with defiance and desperation. The silence stretches between them.

Finally he picks up his jacket that he has thrown over a chair and as he shrugs it on he moves towards the door. He turns around then, looking back at her one last time before he walks out, quietly closing the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t hate me? This was such a hard chapter to write...


	7. Chapter 7

Clarke doesn’t see Bellamy for almost two months after the night of their fight. The entire december is simply horrible, as she is just trying to keep from dying. 

She spends christmas and new years at her mom’s and Marcus’s place in Washington. Her mom takes one look at Clarke as she picks her up at the airport, then pulls her into a soft hug without asking any questions. The ten days they spend together goes by without a single harsh word being spoken or any arguments arising. It’s strangely healing and just what Clarke needs. 

When Clarke gets back home and steps inside her appartment, everything instantly comes back though, full force. She feels claustrophobic all of a sudden, so she calls Raven.

”Clarke, finally! Are you back home?” Raven says. ”I’ve missed you! How have you been?”

”Yes and yes. Missed you too. And like shit. Care to go out?”

Raven laughs at Clarke’s attempt at a joke.

”Hell yes! We need to raise a little hell! Way to quiet and uneventful around here of late. Let’s get wasted! I’ll call Harper and Emori too. Let’s meet up at The Ark at 7 pm?”

”Ok! See you there!”

•

When Clarke gets to The Ark, all the girls are already there. It’s great to see them and soon they are all laughing and talking and filling each other in on what has been going on in their lives since they saw each other. Clarke feels herself relaxing and actually enjoying herself for the first time since that horrible night in her kitchen when her life was put on hold.

Soon their drinks are emptied and Clarke offers to make the next run to the bar to grab them new ones. When returning, two guys are standing by the table, talking to Raven. When Clarke approaches, one of them looks up at her and a big smile starts to spread upon his face. He is really good looking, with his long, dark hair and those mischievous, brown eyes. 

”Clarke, you’ll never guess who this is!” 

Raven squeaks, in pure joy and exitement.

”Hi!” the guy says. ”I’m Finn, Raven’s childhood sidekick.” 

Raven snorts. ”Damn straight! Clarke, can you believe Finn is back in town and just happened to show up at this bar of all places?!”

Clarke smiles a little, putting the drinks down to offer a hand. 

”Hi Finn! Nice to meet you. I’m Clarke, Raven’s current sidekick” she says while sliding down next to Harper.

Finn’s smile widens into a grin and the guy next to him starts laughing.

”Collins, you’ve met your match in this one!” He blinks at Clarke. ”I’m Harvey. And you are fun, I can tell, but I have a date with the dj and can’t be late, so excuse me for bolting. Ladies. Reyes. Collins. Behave. I sure won’t!”

Raven laughs as Harvey disappears into the crowd, then she turns towards Finn.

”Well, sit your ass down!” she demands. ”I want to hear everything! When did you get back? How long are you staying for?”

It becomes a really joyful evening. Finn is great company. He is fun, smart, easy going and it’s quite clear he is into Clarke. He is back for good, he tells Raven. Apparently he has landed a really great job, researching and catalogueing wildlife in the area. Raven looks very pleased about everything until she suddenly spots Wick at the bar. Her faces darkens then and she huffs as she gets up.

”I’m sorry, you guys, but I need to go tell that arrogant know-it-all some piece of my mind!” she mutters as she stomps off towards the bar. ”I’ll call you guys tomorrow, ok?”

”What was that all about?” Finn asks and Clarke has to fill him in on Raven’s and Wick’s off-again-on-again relationship, that gives them all whiplash, to be honest. Finn just laughs.

”Sounds like Raven. All about the drama” he smirks as he takes another sip of his beer.

Soon after, both Emori and Harper call it quits, since they both have work in the morning and then it’s just Clarke and Finn to themselves.

They talk and talk. Things are effortless with Finn. He makes her feel happy and carefree in a way she hasn’t for a long time. Finn buys them another round of drinks and Clarke is soon feeling pleasantly buzzed. Finn is flirting openly now, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear, putting his hand on top of hers, telling her she is gorgeous. When he finally leans in to kiss her, she meets him halfway. The kiss is soft at first, but soon it becomes heated and when Finn licks at the seam of her lips, she opens up, letting him in. She needs this, craves some touch, to be wanted again. 

When the kiss ends she’s a bit dizzy, and as she tries to gather herself she suddenly feel as if she is being watched. She raises her head only to suddenly find herself looking straight into the eyes of Bellamy, standing there staring at her from the other side of the room with a stunned expression on his face, like he can’t believe what he is seeing. Clarke freezes as they look at each other across the room. Time seems to stop, it stretches and holds until Clarke finally tears her eyes away, turning to Finn.

”This place just turned a lot less appealing. Care to get out of here?” she says without any further explanation, standing up in a quick motion. 

Finn doesn’t ask, he just rises and follows her as he laughs.

”Your will is my command, Clarke. Lead the way!”

Clarke walks towards the door, her heart pounding hard in her chest as she can feel Bellamy’s eyes burning holes in her back as she goes. She is proud to say she doesn’t turn around, though every fibre in her being wants to do just that. Wants to turn around and just run to him, hug him and beg him to forgive her. But she doesn’t. 

She takes Finn home and she fucks him, and it’s good and she rides him hard, coming around his cock as he moans under her, telling her how hot and gorgeous and sexy he thinks she is, but after, as she lies there in the dark, hearing Finn’s breath even out as he falls asleep, all she can think about is Bellamy’s face and his dark eyes looking back at her and she misses him again, misses him so much she wants to scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, some of you probably hate this and I might lose some of you. but this was the way this needed to go. Also, I warned you, slow burn means slow burn. But yeah, I’m being a sadistic bastard, I know. ;)


	8. Chapter 8

The morning after is awkward at first, but Finn is really an exceptionally cool guy and soon they are seated at the kitchen table, eating toast and drinking tea, having an easy conversation and getting to know each other. When Finn leaves, he pulls her in for a tight hug and then he presses a soft kiss on her lips and winks at her.

”See you soon, princess!”

Clarke winches at the nickname, remembering Bellamy’s words during their fight.

”Why did you call me that?” she asks.

”Well, from what you’ve told me, you have lived a rather priviliged life, right?” He gives her a crooked smile. ”But you don’t like being called princess, do you princess?” 

She just huffs, pushing him out the door and he gives her that charming, boyish, carefree smile again and she can’t help but smile back.

”I’ll call you!” he says while disappearing down the hallway.

As she walks back into the apartment, closing the door behind her, she really hopes he does.

•

Finn calls two days later. They decide to catch the new Ryan Gosling movie the following night. She calls Raven when she and Finn has finished their conversation. She braces herself a bit, hooking up with friends of friends can be a sensitive topic, but she didn’t need to worry, Raven is thrilled about it and just gives her the best friend lecture where if Clarke ever hurts him, she will have to kill her.

Finn is already at the theater waiting for her as Clarke arrives. His smile is as warm and open as she remembers and she realises she feels a bit excited about him, about them. Suddenly, Bellamy’s pained face crosses her mind. ”I finally meet someone that I can feel excited about...” was this what he had meant? Did he feel this way about Echo? These fragile, first stirs of interest inside? And what did she do? She destroyed it for him by stomping all over his feelings. She feels a pang of regret and her breath hitches.

”Hi princess.”

Finn drags her out of her dark thoughts, searching her eyes. ”Everything ok?”

Clarke mentally slaps herself. Can she get a grip on her wandering thoughts? Can’t she at least try to be in the moment, for once?

”Yes”, Clarke responds with a smile. ”Let’s get some popcorn and go see that movie, shall we?”

•

They go to a coffee shop afterwards, and they sit there, talking for hours. Finn is the easiest guy to be around, and Clarke feels as happy and content and relaxed as she did the other evening. When the waitress tells them the shop is closing for the evening, they continue talking as they slowly walks home through the city. They end up at Finn’s place, a really cool studio, still a bit bare since he only just moved in, but with great potential. Clarke thinks she could paint there, something she used to love but hasn’t done in a long time.

Finn opens a bottle of wine and brings some cheese and fruit and they sit there with only a couple of candles lit, talking about everything and nothing, until Finn takes the glass from Clarke’s hand, placing it on the table, leaning forward, kissing her. They kiss for a while, until their breaths are becoming shallow and their heart rates are picking up. Finn doesn’t break the kiss as he pulls Clarke up off the sofa, leading her to the bed. They dispose of their clothes quickly and Finn just stares at her, looking at her naked body with lust blown eyes, and as he pushes into her, he searches her eyes, suddenly serious.

”God, you’re so beautiful” he whispers, as he slowly starts to thrust into her. ”You are, Clarke.”  
He falls silent then but after, when he tucks her close to his chest, he strokes her hair and then he softly speaks again.

”I’m falling in love with you, Clarke.”

She knows she should say something, reassure him, make him feel less vulnerable, but she doesn’t know what to say because she doesn’t know what she is feeling. She knows he makes her feel good, that she is having a great time with him, that the sex is good and that they simply just get along, but is it love? Shouldn’t it be more, somehow? Stronger? Or is this what it is actually supposed to feel like? Not the emotional rollercoaster that was Lexa? Or the pain she felt when realising her true feelings for Bellamy? 

God! What is wrong with her? Why is she thinking about Bellamy while in bed with Finn? Finn who, she realises, are lying there, waiting for some kind of response to his admission.

”I really like you too, Finn” is what she finally says, because that’s the truth. She really likes this uncomplicated, joyful guy. And she is going to give it a try because he deserves it. She deserves it. She doesn’t have to figure this out now, here, tonight. She can give it time, give them time, to see where this is going. And with that, Clarke falls asleep wrapped up in Finn’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, I know, but at least I didn’t keep you waiting? ;)


	9. Chapter 9

Clarke keeps seeing Finn in the months that follows. She really enjoys his company, he brings out a lighter, different version of her, a side she hasn’t explored much, prior to meeting him. But Clarke doesn’t allow them to get too serious, keeping it casual and easy. She is fairly certain Finn wants it to be more, but he doesn’t press the matter, probably because he can sense Clarke’s hesitation.

The spring comes early this year and when Miller’s thirties birthday comes around in late march, the japanese cherry trees are already starting to blossom. It’s Clarke’s favourite time of the year, and Miller’s birthday parties are the anual ritual to celebrate the return of life, since Miller has a viscious hatered for winter and more or less goes into hybernation three months a year. The ritual to restore him back to life usually contains lots and lots of alcohol and dancing and these parties are notorious affairs, often resulting in stories of neighbours calling the cops or Miller being charged with some crazy stunt some guest pulled. So, when Clarke gets an invite, she knows this is the one bullet she can’t dodge.

She asks Miller straight out if Bellamy is coming and if he’s bringing Echo, and Miller simply states that yes, he is and yes, he will. That’s when Clarke decides to bring Finn.

She hasn’t mentioned Bellamy much to Finn, has been trying to keep what she has come to think of as ’life before chaos’ and ’life after chaos’ separated. But she guesses she will have to tell him something, so she gives him a short, polished version about how she and Bellamy used to hang out quite a bit but then he met Echo, and since Clarke doesn’t really like her, they don’t hang anymore. Finn just nods and doesn’t ask much about it, to Clarke’s relief.

•

The night of the party, Finn comes over to Clarke’s place. They are grabbing a taxi together to get to Miller’s place on the other side of the city. Clarke is putting the final touches to her make up when the doorbell rings. She is wearing a pair of flared, black velvet pants with a high waist and a white, transparent, sleaveless top that makes her black satin bra shine through. She knows she looks classy and sexy all at once and her confidence rises even more as she sees Finn’s jaw drop a bit as he stares at her breasts through the thin fabric in her top.

”Clarke, you look... mouth watering, if you don’t get offended by me saying so?” 

”Oh well, I was going for ’subtlety unsubtle’, but I guess I’ll have to settle”, Clarke dead pans.

Finn laughs, then follows her into the kitchen, and as she reaches for the champagne glasses on the top shelf, she suddenly feels his hands sneeking up under her top, caressing the skin of her stomach.

”You look gorgeous, baby”, he whispers as his hands turns a little frantic, grabbing at her waist. ”Do you have any idea what you’re doing to me?”

”Oh, maybe”, she says as she turns around giving him a glass of champagne. ”But we don’t have time for anything right now, so don’t you go getting any ideas”, she says as she brushes lightly over the bulge begining to form in his pants. Finn groans, burying his face in her neck.

”Tease!” he whines. 

They finish their champagne and then their taxi is there to take them down town.

•

When they arrive at the party, it is already in motion. Miller and Jasper are a bit drunk since they, according to Jackson, couldn’t keep their hands off the punch while making preparations. Harper and Emori are hanging in the kitchen, in deep conversation about something. Harper seems upset so when Emori spots Clarke she just raises her eyebrowns and nods, making a geasture towards Parker. Clarke nods that she understands, then turns to look for Raven. She doesn’t spot her, so Clarke takes Finn by the hand and heads for the living area, where most of the guests have gathered. And there, seated in the sofa, is Bellamy.

He looks a bit misplaced, like he would love nothing better than to be miles away from there. Clarke doesn’t spot Echo at first, but then she sees her, she is standing by the balcony, talking to some guy Clarke vaguely recalls from another party. She thinks Octavia might know him. Was it ’Roan’? When she turns towards Bellamy again, he has spotted her and it’s nothing else to do then but to go say hi. So she does.

”Hi Bellamy. Long time. This is Finn, my... date. Finn, this is Bellamy, my...”

”Friend”, Bellamy fills in, while getting up. ”Or ex friend? I don’t really know how to label us these days, princess, do you?” 

His voice is dripping with sarcasm. So much for time healing all wounds, Clarke thinks. Although time hasn’t done anything for her either, she realises. Everything feels exactly the same as it did in october, nothing has become easier or less intense or emotional. 

All of a sudden, Finn speaks.

”Well”, he says flatly, ”whatever you are, friend or foe, why don’t you find your own nickname instead of using mine?”

Bellamy, who’s been looking at Clarke the entire time, slowly turns and watches Finn with cold, judging eyes. 

”He looks like a shark just waiting for the right moment to strike!” Clarke has time to think before Bellamy takes on step, closing the distance between him and Finn.

”Well”, he answers with a very low, collected voice that somehow is much more intimidating, should he have screamed, ”it just so happens that I invented that nickname, so it’s actually you who need to pick a new one. I suggest you do, I’m not known to take kindly to people stealing my... things.”

Bellamy looks at Clarke while saying those last words, and with that he brushes by them, leaving Clarke more angry and confused than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are heating up again. 
> 
> Just got to say, for the record, the Bellarke chemistry is real. It’s so much easier writing the chapters where Bellamy and Clarke are interacting than the one’s were they are not.


	10. Chapter 10

An awkward silence spreads after Bellamy’s departure. Clarke doesn’t really know what to say, still so shaken and edgy from seeing Bellamy after all this time. It’s Finn that eventually breaks the deadlock.

”So that’s the famous Bellamy Blake. Or maybe I sould say ’infamous’. What an ass hat!” Finn mutters.

Clarke reacts instinctivly.

”Bellamy’s not an ass hat! You don’t even know him so don’t you go judging him!” she snaps.

Finn just stares at her with a hurt expression. She is a bit surprised herself about the hostility of her outburst, but she’s always been really protective about Bellamy.

Her voice softens as she reaches for Finn.  
”Finn, I didn’t mean to...”

Finn takes a step back.

”You know what, I don’t even want to know? Silly of me thinking you would stand up for me. But why would you, really? I’m just convenient, aren’t I?” He holds his hands up in a gesture that clearly signals he doesn’t want an answer to that. ”Nevermind, I’ll go look for Raven, at least she wants me around.”

Finn turns and walks out of the living room, leaving Clarke standing there, full of regret, anger and sadness, not really knowing what feeling is connected to which guy. It all boils together in one emotion, though. Frustration.

Suddenly, a very cute, drunk Jasper catches her in a hug from behind.

”Hey girl, you look like you could use a drink, or possibly a punch bowl? Come with Jasper, I’ll lead you into the fuzzy land of drunkeness. I’m already there, heading for it’s neighbour, smashed. Care to join me?”

She ends up in the kitchen with Jasper, playing some stupid drinking game that she doesn’t understand the rules of (to be honest, no one ever seems to understand the rules of Jasper’s games) and before she knows it, she is a bit drunk and a little loud, singing and laughing with Jasper. Since she rarely drinks, it doesn’t take long for her to start feeling nauseous, so she heads for the balcony on wobbly legs.

The temperature has dropped during the evening, and the air outside is crisp and fresh. Clarke goes to the railing, taking some deep breaths, looking out over the city. The view is spectacular up here and she instantly feels better. That’s until she notice she isn’t alone. Bellamy is sitting in a chair in the dusky corner furthest away from the enterence, silently looking at her.

Clarke looks away, staring out into the night. No one speaks for a while. Then Bellamy clears his throat. 

”So where’s the boyfriend? Or is that the correct term? Labels are important, wouldn’t you agree?”

Clarke sighs, then turns around.

”The guy I’m here with is somewhere inside, and no, I don’t think labels are that important. In fact, I find them rather constricting and unnecassary most of the time, but oh, speaking of, where’s the girlfriend?”

Bellamy just looks at her with the same, blank expression.

”Echo is inside talking to Roan about something work related, as far as I know. Why? I thought you ’didn’t like her’? That she was ’a total bitch’? I’m quoting here, you know?”

”Yeah, ok. Be an ass. Rub it in. You’re so good at it, after all. But why stop there, Bell? Why hold back? Come on, let me have it! I know you’ve been dying to get back at me! I bet it’s been eating at you for months! Come on, Bell!”

Her voice raises as she speaks, the sarcastic tone very obvious.

Bellamy doesn’t react at first but then something inside him seems to falter. He rubs his face, and when he looks up at her his expression is soft and sad, and it’s her Bellamy sitting there again.

”No Clarke. I really don’t want to go there again. Let’s just leave it, ok?”

He stands up, making a motion towards the doors. And she knows she can’t leave it like that.

”I miss you so much, Bellamy!”

He stops in his tracks and the look on his face is almost panicked, like he has no clue of what to do or say or feel.

”I miss you” she continues. ”Everyday. Always. I hear something funny and I want to tell you. I see there’s a new movie with your favourite actress and I am thinking that I’ll ask if you want to go. I get upset about something and I want to call you. And then I remember that I can’t, that we are not friends anymore. And it’s killing me! I miss you so much and I’m so miserable and sad and lonely!”

She breaks then, tears spilling down her face and she sees Bellamy’s lip quiver as he seems to make a decision and then, in one stride, he closes the distance between them and enfolds her in his arms.

”I miss you too. So much, Clarke. So, so much.”, he whispers.

They stand there for a while, just embracing each other, reconnecting, getting reaquainted with the smell and touch and feel of the other, when there’s suddenly a shuffle behind them and there’s Finn, looking defeated and hurt.

”I just wanted to let you know I’m leaving. In case you cared?”

He turns to Bellamy.

”Your actual girlfriend is looking for you. A word of advice? If you are serious about her, don’t let her see you hugging Clarke that way? Didn’t look that platonic to me. Just saying.”

Then he turns and leaves.

”Finn! Finn, wait! I’m sorry, don’t leave, wait, please?” 

Clarke rushes after him, catching him in the hallway, gripping his arm. He turns towards her, looking sad and weary.

”Clarke, don’t, ok? You obviously have to figure out what you want. If you realise it’s me, give me a call? But until then, I’m done being your consolation prize. Ok?”

”You’re not... I mean, I like you so much, Finn, I just...”

”Yeah, well. I guess I should stay and fight for you, but I don’t think that would make any difference. The way you looked in his arms, hugging him? Yeah... does he know?”

Clarke just looks at him, not knowing weather to be truthful or lie.

”Does he know how you feel about him? Because if he doesn’t I think you should tell him, because he clearly loves you too. It was plain as day earlier, when he was marking his territory.”

”Finn, he’s got a girlfriend!”

”Funny. There are people who would say you had a boyfriend, but that didn’t change much for you, now did it?”

Finn cards his fingers through his hair and sighs.

”I’m not good at this, so I’m just going to...”

He gestures towards the stairs as he turns away. 

”Goodbye, Clarke.”

And then he is gone. Clarke stands there for a while, trying to wrap her head around the dignity of it, of the conversation they just had. After a while she goes back to the party, sneaking in to get her coat and then she leaves without saying good night to anyone. She will have to deal with the after math tomorrow. She will deal with it all tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m very pleased with myself at the moment. Very. ;)


	11. Chapter 11

Clarke awakens to a pretty massive hangover. Her head feels like it’s about to split open, something that can be treated with painkillers.

The rest is worse. 

First of all, she feels like shit, the way things ended with Finn. He really is in love with her, she knows that to be true. But when being honest with herself, she has to admit that he has been something of a conveniance, showing up in her life just when she needed it the most. He made her feel beautiful, wanted, special. She craved that, so yes, she guess you could say she used him. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t care for him, though. She does. He is hot, funny, smart and such a nice guy. She really, really likes him. It’s just, he isn’t Bellamy.

She doesn’t know what to do. She knows she wants to keep Finn as a friend, if nothing else. But she also knows he doesn’t want to be her friend. He wants all of her. And that is something she just can’t give. 

Clarke spends the day in anxious thoughts, roaming the apartment, drifting from room to room, restless and uneasy. She decides to go to the park for a while in an atempt to clear her head, but once outside she just feels exposed and awkward and returns home, just to find the anxiety creeping up on her again.

Part of the anxiety has to do with Bellamy, she has to admit. What if he calls her? Is she ready to talk to him, when sober? Is she ready to tell him the truth, tell him how she feels? What if she does and he says no? After all, he has been with Echo for seven months, maybe he really is in love with her? Maybe he doesn’t feel the same about Clarke anymore, if he ever had feelings for her in the first place? It’s just hearsay anyway, no one has ever heard Bellamy actually admitting said feelings.

And what if Finn calls? What if he has changed his mind, wanting to fight for her after all? What is she going to tell him then? 

When the phone finally does ring, she almost jumps through the roof, that’s how wired up she is.

It’s neither Bellamy nor Finn. It’s Raven, and Raven is upset. Really upset. When she is, she tends to be mean. And she is.

”I told you. I said ’don’t hurt my friend or I’ll kill you.’ And what do you do? You drag him to a party where he barely knows anyone, you set him up against Bellamy, Bellamy of all people, and you let him take the bait and Bellamy, true to form, humiliates him, and then, wait for it... you defend Bellamy, practically biting Finn’s head off! So he walks away to let you both cool down and when he finds you again, he finds you in the arms of... oh, I forgot, who was it again, can’t seem to recall... no, wait! It’s coming back to me! BELLAMY! So I’ve got to ask, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? 

”Raven, listen, I know it sounds awful when you put it like that, but that’s not how it went...”

”Really? So you’re saying Finn’s lying about what happened?”

”No, not lying, just... look, I get how he must be feeling but...”

”You are so evasive right now, you know that? JUST TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!”

Something in Clarke snaps. She is so not going to take Raven’s shit right now.

”No, FUCK YOU, Raven! You’ve got the nerve calling me, yelling at me, having a fucking attitude, not letting me explain or anything! But let me tell you something! I don’t owe you shit! So until you can shut up and listen to my side of the story too, I’m done talking to you? OK?!!”

And with that she disconnects the call, throwing the phone in the sofa. She sets it on silent mode and then she taps herself a foam bath. She soaks in there for a long time, until the water turns cold, and she reluctantly has to get up.

She throws on a bathrobe and shuffles to the kitchen to make herself some tea. When she gets back into the living room she makes herself comfortable, pulling a blanket around her legs. 

That’s when her phone buzzes. She picks it up, unwillingly, not in the mood to take any calls, but it’s Bellamy and she really can’t afford not to answer this time.

”Hi. It’s me. Bellamy.”

He sounds tense. Why is he tense?

”Yeah. Hi Bell. How are you?”

Silence. 

”You left. Yesterday. You just left. I just wanted to check that you were ok?” 

More tension in his voice.

”Oh, yes. Sorry about that, I just...” she takes a breath, then continues. ”Finn and I... we kind of broke up, and I just wasn’t in a party mood after, so...”

Silence.

”So, how was the rest of the party? Did anything crazy happen? I mean, Miller’s spring party is notorious for...”

”We left right after you did, so I wouldn’t really know.” 

Bellamy’s voice still so tense, so weary. Why? She guess they need to talk about them. Her outburst. Their embrace. What it means. ”This is it’”, Clarke thinks. ”This is The Moment.”

”So, about what I said, yesterday? I’m really glad we...”

”Yeah, well. About that.” The tension is there again in Bellamy’s voice. ”Echo found out about... someone told her you and I were making out, at the balcony... so she was really mad and upset, and I told her it wasn’t true of course, but she’s always been really insecure when it comes to you, and...” 

She can hear as he takes a deep breath.

”So, anyway, I need to try to work this out with her...”

Clarke knows what’s to come, but she refuses to aknowledge it, so she tries anyway.

”I can talk to her, if you want? Tell her it’s not true? Apologizing for... well, before...”

He cuts her of then.

”She doesn’t want me to see you right now!” he blurts.

His voice sounds forced. Clarke tries to stay calm, not pressuring him.

”Bellamy, ok, I just... I just got you back, ok? Is there no way I can...” her voice falters, fragile.

”NO!” he yells, voice breaking. There’s silence again, until he finally speaks up, calmer, his voice strained. ”No, there isn’t.” He suddenly sounds so tired and sad.

The silence is streatching. Clarke doesn’t dare say anything, afraid something will break, something they will never be able to mend. She doesn’t know for how long they sit there, just breathing. 

”Well” Clarke finally manage, ”I’m going to fight for you, Bell. Because I know now what being without you is like and...”

”She is pregnant, ok?! She’s pregnant!”

And just like that, Clarke’s entire world shatters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn’t see that coming, did you? Yes, I’m horrible, I know. ;)


	12. Chapter 12

Clarke doesn’t really recall how the phonecall ends, what is being said, who hangs up first. 

She is just numb. She doesn’t feel anything. She knows that will change, of course, but with the last twenty four hours of emotional meltdown, she just can’t deal with anything more. She just goes to bed and falls asleep in what feels like seconds.

She dreams, though. Nightmares, where she is chasing something that she can’t reach, trying to get to it but with hinderences and obstacles in the way. Her panic increases until it gets to be to much, and she wakes up, all sweaty and upset. 

In the morning, she calls Wells. 

”What has happened?” he asks, clearly picking up on her tone.

Clarke tells him everything, about Bellamy not telling her of him dating Echo, about her realising she’s in love with Bellamy, about Finn and finally, about Echo being pregnant and how Clarke now must find a way to get on with her life, without Bellamy.

Wells doesn’t interrupt, he just listens, intently. When she is done, he stays quiet for a while, reflecting.

”You don’t seem surprised?” she says.

She can practically hear his soft smile over the line.

”What, of you having feelings for Bellamy? No, not really. I always thought there was a possibility of you and him ending up together. When I left last spring, I was rather certain he had feelings for you. Remember when he drove me to the airport? I actually think he was about to say something then, at least it felt that way, but he never did.”

”What?! And you never said anything?” Clarke wrings her hands, whining quietly. ”Why didn’t anyone just say something?”

”I didn’t think it was my place. You know me, Clarke. I don’t like to push people or try to make them take steps they are not ready for. I thought it was up to you and Bellamy to figure out what you meant to each other. And now, I guess you have.”

”Yes, but now it’s to late!” Clarke cries out.

”Because of the baby? Well, not really? Just more complicated.”

”What do you mean? His girlfriend is pregnant! He is going to be a dad, Wells!” Clarke hears the hysteria in her voice, but she can’t control hereself.

Wells voice comes through, calm and steady.

”I mean”, he says, ”that if you and Bellamy love each other, there is nothing stopping you from being together. All you have to do is decide and then find a way to make it work. He doesn’t have to live with the mother of his child to be a good dad? Question is, do you love him enough to be ready to accept him being a father to another womans child? Because that’s the main issue here, isn’t it?”

”He doesn’t...” she chokes on the rest of the sentence, fighting to keep her emotions in check. ”He isn’t leaving her”, she finally manages. ”He is staying with her, and she doesn’t want him to have any contact with me.” She swallows the lump in her throat. ”And he accepts that”, she says, voice breaking and then she begins to cry again.

Wells is quiet, just sitting there, letting her cry. When her sobs subsides, he speaks again.

”Clarke, I just want to say one thing, and I need you to listen? Please tell me you haven’t given up? That’s not the Clarke Griffin I know. You fight for what you want. You always have. And this might be the most important fight in your life. Ok?”

She just sighs, so tired. 

”I love you” he continues, ”you know that, right? You can call me anytime, ok? Anytime?” 

”I love you too, Wells. Thank you for being here for me. I’ll call you later, ok?”

•

On friday Monty calls to ask if she wants to come over for game night. It’s sort of a tradition, them meeting up at his and Harper’s place to play video games and eat junk food, drink beer and just hang. She hasn’t been to any for a while, but tonight she doesn’t feel like being alone, so she tells him she’ll be there.

When she gets there she’s a bit late from work and everyone is already there and the game is already on. Monty and Jasper seems completly caught up in a game of NHL, seated at the floor in front off the tv, yelling and cheering and shoving at each other, just being typically Monty and Jasper. Harper and Murphy is seated in the sofa, and to her surprise and anguish, she spots Bellamy slumped in the corner. He doesn’t look up at her as she enters, just keeps staring at the tv.

”Clarky!” Murphy yells. ”Back from the dead and ready to join the living? Now, where’s that handsome boytoy of yours, huh? Didn’t you bring him? Why not? Don’t tell me you’re ashamed of us, now?” He smirks and winks at her.

”Finn’s not my boyfriend and anyway, I’m not seeing him anymore, but I can give you his phone number if you’re that interested”, she says, trying to sound cool and collected but not certain she succeeds. 

”Nah”, Murphy answers, leaning back, stretching his legs, ”I’m already spoken for and Emori’s not into threesomes, so...” 

He looks over at Emori who is sitting in a chair at the dinner table, talking on the phone. He gives her a warm, wide grin as she just rolls her eyes at him and continues talking.

”So, why did you break up?” Harper asks.

Clarke freezes. She dares a glance at Bellamy, who is still staring at the game, but he is clenching his jaw, which indicates he is listening in on the conversation. She turns to Harper.

”We wanted different things, I guess”, she says. ”He’s a great guy, I just wasn’t really... well, he wanted...” She doesn’t know how to finish the sentence so she just lets it hang there.

That’s when Raven appears from the bathroom. She looks angry.

”They broke up because Clarke’s been in love with another guy the entire time and just used Finn since the other guy wasn’t available”, she spits out.

Clarke just stares at Raven, while Murphy starts to clap his hands.

”Raven Reyes, giving you the truth weather you want it or not”, he smirks. 

The rest of her friends just sits there, looking awkward and uneasy, while Bellamy’s is looking furious, his jaw still clenched.

Clarke slowly gets up, staring at Raven.

”I can’t believe you just said that, Raven. I can’t believe you can be this mean.”

”I’m being real, Clarke! It’s about time!”

”And how is it it’s you who gets to decide when it’s time to ’be real’, huh?”

”Since you broke my best friends heart!”

”Tell you what, Raven. If you think I’m such a horrible person, if you really think that what you just said about me is true, I’ll go and you and I, we are through. Ok? Harper, Monty, I’m sorry, ok?”

She turns and walks out of the appartment. She hears Raven mutter, ”always sorry” after her. She doesn’t react or respond, just keeps walking. She makes it several blocks until she hears someone calling her name, and when she turns around, it’s Bellamy running to catch up with her.

”Seriously Bellamy, just leave me alone!” she pleads, voice strained with frustration. ”I just can’t take anymore right now! I’ve had it with everything! Just go back, go back to your friends and your girlfriend and your life! Ok?!! Leave me alone!”

She yells, she knows she is, but she can’t help herself. She feels like she is going to explode, or go crazy for real. He doesn’t answer, though, just continues to walk beside her. She wraps her arms around her body, turning her face away from him and they walk in silence.

When they reach her building, she stops and looks at him.

”Can you just go? Ok? Just leave? Please? I’m being serious.” Her voice is dead calm, even.

He looks back at her, shaking his head, then steps closer, reaches out and caresses her face.

”Clarke, please”, he says, pleading. He tries to pull her in for a hug, but she takes a step back.

”No, Bellamy. Don’t. Just... don’t.” She shakes her head, tears threatening her eyes again. ”Can you just...”

”No, I can’t!” he suddenly yells. ”I need this. I need to talk to you, ok? I’ve never once put myself first, not once! It’s always been Octavia, or my mom, or for that matter, you. But I do now. This is about what I need!”

He shakes his head, looking down, pinching the bridge of his nose. Then he looks up at her again. He looks so distraught, so vulnerable. 

”Can I please come in? Just for a little while? Please? Clarke?”

She knows she should stand her ground, she knows she should say no, but something inside her resonates with his pleading voice and she is so tired and weary so she just turns around, pushes the code and holds the door up for him to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel a bit insecure here, because I really don’t want to make Bellamy into the guy who can’t take no for an answer (that’s not sexy at all, that’s just stalker behaviour) but I hope I managed to portray his desperation, his need for someone for once to put him first, care for what he needs, care about his feelings. Just wanted to make that clear.


	13. Chapter 13

”Was Raven telling the truth?”

They’ve barely made it inside Clarke’s apartment before he speaks. Clarke sighs, shaking her head. God, she doesn’t want to do this. Not now. Maybe never.

”About what, Bellamy?”

She turns and looks at him. He stares back, face all tense.

”That you’ve been in love with someone else?” He swallows. ”While being with Finn?”

She once again feels like this is the turning point. She can keep trying to avoid this, be elusive or flat out lie, or she can just come clean, finally admitting how she feels. That she loves him. Loves him so much, she can’t even believe it is possible to feel this strong about anyone.

It’s to hard, though. 

She feels too beaten up, by Raven, by Finn and, most of all, by Bellamy. So she turns away, starts moving towards the living room, not answering. All of a sudden, Bellamy is right behind her, gripping her arm, spinning her around.

”Is it me, Clarke?” He looks desperate, haunted somehow. ”Am I the one she was talking about?”

She can’t bring herself to answer so she looks away, avoiding his gaze. ”Bellamy...”

”It is, isn’t it? Just tell me, Clarke? I need to know, ok? Just say yes or no. Please, Clarke!” 

She tugs her arm free trying to turn away, but he catches her again, cradles her face in his hands, pushes her against the wall. She feels like her chest could burst with all the emotions she sees in his eyes. They just look at each other, and Clarke feels like she can’t breathe. 

”Clarke, god, just... be honest with me?” He steps closer, crowding her, so intense and desperate. 

She looks down, can’t take the intensity in his eyes. But she knows she can’t escape this, and in this moment she doesn’t want to. She is tired of all the dancing around, all the unspoken words, all the subtle innuendos. So she just gives up.

”Yes”. 

Surprise flashes over Bellamy’s face, followed by what looks to be disbelief.

”Yes what?” 

”Yes. It’s you.”

She presses her hands against his chest, trying to get some space between them, because this, this is to intense, to intimate, to dangerous, but he pushes her flat against the wall and moves close, searching for her, searching her eyes, following her as she moves.

”Clarke...” he whispers, ”Clarke, I’m in love with you too.”

He steps even closer, their bodies brushing together, his forhead resting against hers. They are so close, eyes boring into each other. Time stops. They are frozen in the moment, balancing on the edge, the choice to step away or just step closer, continue the movement, give in, let go. But no one of them dares to chose, so they just stand there, breathing each other in, until Bellamy makes the choice for them.

He closes the space between them, presses his body up against hers, caresses her face with his fingers as he looks at her with hungry, desperate eyes. Then his mouth is on hers, hot and firm. Half a moan, half a sob escapes him. 

”I want you so much! I’ve wanted this forever” he says, pushing up against her, biting her lower lip. It hurts a little, she gasps in surprise and that’s when his tongue slips inside her mouth to meet hers. 

Clarke’s insides seems to liquefy as she feels his tongue slide against hers, and when he sucks it into his mouth, every nerve in her body starts to hum. She has never felt anything like this before, and he has only kissed her.

He releases her mouth, panting, staring at her with lust blown eyes, as he slowly pushes his hands underneath the hem of her sweater, haltering a bit as if to see if she consent. As his fingers touches the skin of her stomach, she closes her eyes and lets her head fall back against the wall, moaning out loud, because it’s just to much.

”God, Clarke, I want to touch you, can I touch you?” Bellamy pants in her ear, placing nibbling kisses to her throat.

Bellamy’s hands moves up under her sweater and suddenly they are cupping her breasts. He pushes his leg between her thighs, making her gasp as she is already so sensitive and turned on, wanting more of everything he wants to give her. When she feels his erection pressing against her hip, her entire body shivers in anticipation, desperate to be closer, to lose herself in him.

Bellamys fingers has moved under her bra, and he gently plays with her nipples, pushing the bra aside. He is breathing heavily, and a whimpering moan escapes her as he leans down, taking a nipple into his mouth, caressing it with his tongue, nibbling at it. The contact vibrates through her and goes right to her cunt and she feels completely lost in his touch, carding her hands through his curls as she moans, begging him to suck her nipples harder.

When she feels him unbuttoning her jeans, she can’t seem to find the will to stop him, although a little voice in the back of her head is urging her to, but when his fingers finds their way inside her panties, cupping her cunt, the voice goes silent. When he opens her folds and slips a finger inside her wetness, she can’t help but moan out loud. 

”Clarke, baby, you feel so good, all wet and tight”, Bellamy whispers, his voice hoarse in her ear, his breath hot, sending shivers down her spine. ”You drive me crazy, you know? Did I make you this wet? I need you, I want to taste you, make you come around my tongue. I want everything. Anything you want. Anything, Clarke. I love you!” 

She can’t make herself answer, still so very lost in the touch of his hands, his mouth on hers, his breath in her ear, his body against hers, grinding, pushing, searching.

But when she feels him begin to push her jeans and panties down, her brain instantly starts functioning again. It’s like coming out of a haze, really. What is she doing, letting Bellamy touch her so intimately, knowing he is still with Echo, who is carrying his child! 

The thought of Bellamy doing the same things to Echo as he is doing to Clarke right now, is like having ice cold water poured over her. She pushes him away as a sob escapes her.

”Bellamy, stop! I can’t! I won’t! No! Don’t touch me!”

Bellamy instantly releases her, looking dazed and confused as he staggers backwards. He takes another step back, like he needs space to clear his head.

”Did... did I hurt you?”

Clarke slowly sinks to the floor, pulls her legs up against her chest, hangs her head and starts to cry.

”Clarke...” Bellamy tries.

She just shakes her head, silently urging him not to push. He seems to read her, because he falls silent, sliding down to rest against the back of the sofa. 

They sit in silence for what feels like a really long time. It’s Bellamy who finally breaks it.

”Clarke?” His voice so soft, so sad. ”I’m... I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you... I’m so devestated if I did... it’s just... I dreamt of touching you for so long... I just got so wrapped up in you, I forgot...”

He suddenly turns quiet, lost in his own thoughts. 

”I meant what I said. I have loved you since the beginning. You are all I want. But I know I’ve screwed everything up. And I need to be honest with you. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I can? I am stuck and I need to face this, but I just don’t know how?”

He turns silent. Clarke holds her breath, because she knows what’s to come.

”I don’t love her, Clarke, but I can’t leave her alone with this. It would make me an even bigger ashole then I already proven myself to be. I despise me, Clarke. For everything. What I’ve done to you, to her. But mostly for what I’ve done to me. For giving up. For being a coward. Ruining us. For not telling you how I felt. But I was scared, Clarke? Scared of loosing you. And now it feels like I have.”

A sob escapes her then. 

”I’m going to tell her everything, Clarke”, Bellamy continues. ”She deserves to know. And I’m going to end things with her. I can’t be with her, feeling like this about you, Clarke. There’s just no way. I may be a selfish piece of shit, but I just can’t.”

There’s silence again. When he speaks, his voice is broken, like he is on the verge of tears.

”I just wish for once, there was an easy way? That for once, I could get a break? I feel like I’m suffocating, Clarke! I feel like I’m dying inside!”

And with that, Bellamy finally breaks down and starts to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go easy on me, guys. This was so hard to write. I feel drained.


	14. Chapter 14

When Clarke awakens the next morning, she just lies there, thinking back on the night before.

Bellamy had cried for a long time. When his sobs had eventually ebbed out he had just been sitting there, quiet, staring into nothing, looking wrecked and so tired. Clarke’s heart had ached for him then and every bit of her wanted to console him, sit down next to him, cradling him in her arms and telling him everything was going to be alright. But she hadn’t, because it wouldn’t have been true. 

She can’t picture herself living without Bellamy, but she can’t imagine having to deal with Echo for the unforeseeable future, either. And that’s what she would be facing, since there is a baby on the way that will always connect Bellamy to Echo. She wishes she could be a better person, less selfish and more mature, but she is what she is.

She wants to travel. She wants to explore life’s possibilities. She wants to be young and free to make mistakes. She can’t imagine being tied down by all the restrictions that comes with taking care of a baby. Not being able to go out for a movie or to a bar, joining a party on a whim, taking a weekend trip to see Wells or her mom.

Apart from all that, Clarke wants to be free to explore Bellamy, sexually. She knows now how it feels, being touched by him, of his talented hands on her body and she craves it, craves it with her entire being, in her core. She wants to be able to be wild and free and loud. She wants him to talk dirty to her as he fucks her, wants to be allowed to let go fully, screaming as she comes, wants to do it everywhere in his apartment, in every position she might think of and at anytime she wants it. But that can’t happen with a baby in the next room.

And as she had been sitting there, she knew that if she said no to being part of raising his baby, he would say no to her. Bellamy doesn’t do things half way, he is an all or nothing kind of guy. And even if he wasn’t, even if he would accept her terms, it would still mean she only would get a small piece of Bellamy. They would have to schedule when to see each other and even then, sometimes Bellamy would have to cancel on her, because the babysitter couldn’t make it or the baby would get sick or some other unforseen thing would happen that would make it impossible.

So she had just been sitting there. Because the realist in her had known that this, her and Bellamy, would never work. And it had broken her heart.

Bellamy finally had collected himself, had whiped his tears away with the back of his hand and gotten up. He had looked at her then, with such a devastated look on his face, the look of a broken man, like he had known what she had been thinking.

”I wish there was a way to go back. I just wish I could go back”, he had said. Nothing else. And then he had walked out of her apartment and possibly her life and Clarke had been sitting there thinking how it could possibly be, that the person she loved the most and that had been her sanctuary and anchor less than a year ago, now was the person who could hurt her beyond repair.

•

The week that follows is horrible. Clarke still gets up every day, she takes the bus to the hospital every morning, and back again at night. Since she isn’t speaking to Raven, doesn’t feel like talking about it with Wells and aren’t close enough with either Parker nor Emori to confind in them, she spends the nights alone, lost in her own sorrow and despair.

Bellamy doesn’t call. She didn’t expect him to, but the silence still hurts and makes it even worse. 

She finally takes up painting again. There’s a small art supplies shop that just opened in her neigbourhood and on her way from the bus stop one day, she goes in. The owner is an elderly gentleman that turns out to know a great deal about art as well as being an artist himself. His name is Henry and he unknowingly becomes Clarke’s salvation, as she drops in almost every afternoon after work to look at his paintings, buy some more supplies or just sit there for a while, quiet, while the old clock on the wall is ticking, slowly.

She paints every evening. Dark, dramatique paintings, mostly of Bellamy, often just his eyes. She paints until late at night, forgetting anything except for the swipes of her brush and the smell of the paint. She paints until she falls a sleep at the spot, waking up hours later, being cold, stiff and sore from sleeping on the floor.

About a forthnight after the game night at Monty’s, there’s a knock on her door. When she opens, it’s Raven.

”I’m sorry, Clarke. I was being an ass and I’m sorry. I bring peace offerings, though. Wine and chocolate.” She tilts her head slightly, handling Clarke a bottle of wine.

Clarke makes a face but steps aside to let Raven enter. She goes to the kitchen to fetch two glasses. When she gets back into the living room, Raven is walking around, looking at all of her paintings, being strewn all over the floor.

”Clarke...” she says, looking up at her with eyes full of pity and regret.

”Yeah, well...” Clarke shrugs and put the glasses down on the table to pour them some wine.

”You really love him, don’t you?” Raven says, and it’s more of a statement than an actual question.

Clarke just shrugs again.

”I talked to Finn. He got really upset with me”, Raven says. ”He said it was none of my business and that I had no right to go off on you like that. Just so you know. He had no part in me being an ass. That being said, I still think you treated him poorly. I know why, though. Clarke, I’m so sorry. About everything. How are you holding up?”

Raven’s expression is concerened, searching Clarkes eyes.

”Like I’m dying, Raven. I can barely breathe at times.”

”Oh, honey”. Raven steps forward and pulls her into a hug, and before Clarke knows it, she is crying again.

”Have you talked to him?” Raven asks much later.

”Not after the night at Monty’s. He followed me home. Things were said. Did I tell you Echo’s pregnant?”

Raven inhales sharply. ”No fucking way! For real? And she’s keeping it?”

Clarke looks up at Raven’s shocked face. 

”Yes, she is. They are.”

”So, he is staying with her, then? Even though he knows how you feel? Huh. Didn’t see that coming. Blake continues to surprise me, I’ve got to say.”

”No. Or at least he wasn’t. Staying, that is. But I haven’t heard from him and it’s been two weeks and I have no idea what’s going on. And it doesn’t really change anything. I’m not ready to be a mom, even part time, and I can’t stand having to deal with Echo for fucking forever, so there isn’t much to do.”

”Oh, I totally get what you’re saying, believe me.”

They fall silent for a while.

”Hey, where’s that bottle of wine I brought? Let’s drown our sorrows, shall we?”

They end up under one blanket in the sofa, watching some really bad horror movie about a vengeful mistress. Clarke finds it oddly fitting.

•

Three days later, Raven calls her late in the evening.

”Clarke, it’s me. You are not going to believe this, but I just saw Echo outside The Wasps Nest.

”Ok?”

”Well, get this. She was kissing another guy!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s a little to easy, though? Right?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to go a bit dark. I feel I need to be honest about that.

Two more weeks passes and Clarke still hasn’t heard from Bellamy. To be fair, she hasn’t called him either. They are in a dead lock. It’s got nothing to do with how they feel and everything to do with where they stand. 

Raven had called Bellamy to let him know she had seen Echo that night. He hadn’t sounded surprised, Raven told Clarke, but indifferent.

”I guess it was Roan”, he had stated. ”They had a thing before we met. She is probably picking up where they left off.”

Raven had asked if that meant he and Echo weren’t a couple anymore, and Bellamy had said he had broken it off two weeks prior. Raven had wanted to ask about the baby, but didn’t know how. They had ended the call shortly after. Raven said Bellamy had sounded strangely distant, cold somehow.

”Maybe he’s still mad at me for being an ass at Monty’s” she had said.

On friday night, Clarke and Raven decides to go to The Ark. They haven’t been out together in ages (probably not since the night Clarke met Finn, but they don’t mention that) and they both need a break from everything going on in their lives (Raven and Wick just broke it off. Again.)

They’ve been there for about an hour when Bellamy walks in with Atom and Dax and Clarke instantly knows something is wrong. Bellamy hasn’t hanged with those guys in years, but he used to when she first met him, back when she thought he was an obnoxious, cocky asshole. Atom is kind of ok, just to much of a follower for Clarke’s taste, but Dax gives her the creeps. He is a psykopath, not caring about anyone or anything but himself and his needs. Why the hell would Bellamy want to hang with him again?

”Look what the cat dragged in...” Raven says.

The guys doesn’t spot Clarke and Raven at first, since they are seated in the back of the bar, but then Dax, leaning against the bar waiting to order, sweeps the perimeters, and locks eyes with Clarke. A smirk spreads on his face, as he nudges Bellamy’s side, while saying something to him. Clarke can see Bellamy’s back stiffen, but he doesn’t turn around. Dax laughs then, Bellamy obviously must have said something, and a cold feeling is spreading in Clarke’s gut. Something is definitely wrong.

”Why the fuck is Blake hanging with that shithead?” Raven says. ”I thought he ditched that psykopath years ago?”

”He did.” Clarke answers. ”Something is wrong, Raven. I don’t know what has happened, but this is bad. I can feel it.”

”Wanna go over and ask what’s up?” Raven asks.

”No. No, I don’t. Not yet. Let’s just... wait?” 

”Ok. If you say so. But you know me. I prefer to take the bull by the horns.”

”Yeah, matador. You just have to cool it this time, ok?”

Bellamy and the guys disappear into the crowd after ordering drinks. Clarke’s feeling of wrongness increases, since Bellamy rarely touches anything stronger than beer. He’s almost always the designated driver, if one is aquired, always very careful with alcohol. ”If you’ve seen your mom down and out on the sofa, sleeping in her own vomits more times than you care to count, alcohol sort of loses it’s appeal”, he once told Clarke when she asked him about it.

Clarke is left sitting there with raging emotions inside. She tries to be a good friend, though, tries to be attentive as Raven goes on about why Wick’s a dead beat she should have dumped in the trash the moment she met him, but she guesses she isn’t to convincing because Raven eventually sighs, and looks at her.

”Just go talk to him, ok? Please?”

”I don’t know what to say, Raven. Not with Dax and Atom there.”

”Never mind those idiots. I’ll handle them! Come on!”

They push their way through the crowd, searching for Bellamy, when Clarke suddenly spots him. He is sitting by a table with a blond, petite girl in his lap and jealousy suddenly flares in Clarke’s chest. She wants to turn and run, but Raven grabs her by the arm and pushes her forward. Bellamy looks up then, and Clarke is frozen as their eyes meet.

”So, what the fuck is wrong with you, Blake?” Raven says, blunt as ever. ”Trying to win the title ’Biggest douche bag of the year’, or what?”

Bellamy looks away then, at Raven.

”Nooo”, he drawls, ”I’m pretty certain that title is already reserved for you, Reyes.” 

The blond girl giggles then, and Dax laughs out loud, giving Bellamy a high five. Atom just sits there, looking kind of curious.

”Bellamy”, Clarke says, ”could I talk to you for a second?”

Bellamy turns to Clarke again. She can see now that he is clearly drunk.

”Suuure. Talk away!” he slurs.

”Not here. Alone?” 

”Ahh. Well, as you can see, now is not the best time”, Bellamy says, squeezing the blond girls waist, which results in a high pitched squeak followed by more giggling. ”Me and Bree here are just getting reaquainted.” There’s more giggling from the blond and a knowing snort from Dax.

”You’re still the same asshat as you ever were, I can tell”, Raven says to Dax. ”And you”, she turns to Bree, ”could you stop with the squeaking, please? You sound like a pig and it’s hurting my ears?”

Clarke feels like she wants to vomit, but she knows this isn’t the real Bellamy, that something must have happened that makes him be like this, self loathing and destructive. She knows this, and that’s why she suddenly leans forward, grabbing his arm, then facing the girl.

”I suggest you hop of his lap right now, or things will get ugly!”

She then turns to Bellamy.

”And you! You are coming with me. Right now, ok?!”

Bellamy tears his arm free, and looks at her. The drunken, cocky look is replaced by a look of anger.

”The fuck, Princess!” he exclaims. ”I don’t take orders from you!”

Clarke locks eyes with him, stern.

”Well, you do now, or you and I are through. For good. Got it, Bellamy?”

They stare at each other until he pushes past her. ”I’m taking him outside”, Clarke mouths at Raven.

She catches up with Bellamy and points towards the entrence. He makes a face but follows her outside.

”What, Clarke?” he says, face hard. He looks like he did when she first met him, she realises. Hard, closed off, guarded.

”What’s going on, Bellamy?”

”Oh, I don’t know? Not much right now, more than standing here outside wondering exactly why I’m standing here, outside?”

”Don’t do this, Bellamy. Not to me. Not now. No way.”

”Do what?” Bellamy gives a full body shrug, rolling his eyes, looking away.

”Ok. If you’re gonna be that way, fine. I tell you what then”, Clarke says, ”I’m going to walk home. You are going to walk with me, sobering up on the way. You’re going to do that, or you and I are history, ok? When we get home, you’re going to talk to me and tell me what’s going on. I’m going now. You’re choice.”

She starts walking. She knows there’s a chance he won’t come. If he doesn’t she will give him more chances, of course she will. He’s Bellamy, she will give him as many chances as he needs, but she hopes he will follow.

She hears him sigh, sounding irritated, but he starts walking behind her. She quickly texts Raven, appologizing for ditching her, getting a ”no problem” text back. Bellamy keeps his distance the entire way home to her apartment, hands in pockets, sulking. She holds up the door to the hallway and he makes another eye roll as he brushes past her again.

When they get inside, she goes to the kitchen to make tea. ”Do you want some?” she asks Bellamy.

”What’s with you and the fucking tea?” he says, disappearing into the living room. When she gets there with two cups and a kettle, he is slumped down, head resting on the backrest, eyes closed, one arm thrown over his head.

”So... can you tell me what happened? Bellamy?”

He just sits there, quiet. The only way she knows he has actually heard her is that his jaw muscles are clenching and a crease appears on his forehead.

”Bell, talk to me. What is it? Are you... upset over Echo and Roan?”

He snorts at that, shaking his head in disbelief. 

”Then what? I can tell it’s something. Is it... doesn’t she want to let you be part of the baby’s life?”

At that, Bellamy makes a pained sound, covering his face with his hands. She knows then that that’s it, Echo is giving him shit for ending things between them, using their unborn baby to do it. And Clarke likes her even less than before, knowing it.

”Bell, she has no right doing that. You can fight her, legally, I’ll help you, mom knows...”

”Clarke, just stop, ok? I don’t need a lawyer.” his voice is trembling.

”Then what happened...”

”She had an abortion, ok?!” he blurts.

Clarke just sits there, a bit in shock, trying to come up with something to say. The silence is palpable. Finally Clarke reaches out, touching Bellamy’s arm.

”I’m so sorry, Bellamy. That must have been a tough decision to...”

”No, Clarke, it wasn’t, because I didn’t make it. I told her I couldn’t be with her no more so she decided to have an abortion. Only, she didn’t tell me until afterwards, though. Which kind of makes me feel like I killed my own baby. So no, I don’t want tea. I want to drink a liquor store and fuck my brains out so I can forget about the mountain of guilt that I have on my shoulders right now. But you couldn’t let me do that, now could you? No, you had to try and save Bellamy, didn’t you? But I think I might be past saving, so if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go home now, ok? 

With that he gets up and heads for the door. Clarke jumps up and catches his arm.

”Bell, I know you must be feeling guilty right now, but it wasn’t really your...”

”Don’t tell me it wasn’t my fault, Clarke! Just don’t ok? I don’t want to hear it! And I’m sorry, but I just can’t be... around you right now, because somehow, that makes it even... worse”

Clarke lets go of his arm, feeling like he just slapped her in the face. He sees it, of course. His face softens, looking so very sad as he watches her.

”I’m sorry, Clarke. I just... I know it’s not fair on you, believe me I do. But I need some time to figure this out. And I need to do it alone. I just have to.”

She wants to hug him, tell him she will wait for him, tell him he is to hard on himself. But she doesn’t. She just nods. And when he opens the door, she doesn’t stop him.

”I love you, Bellamy.”

He stops and sighs. 

”I love you too, Clarke. I just wish that changed anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this might be to dark for some people, but I did mark this ”mature” for a good reason. Also, yes I could have tagged it, but that would have given the story away, so I didn’t.
> 
> Life is not sugar coated and neither is this fic. So no, I’m not sorry.


	16. Chapter 16

Clarke continues to paint. Bellamy’s still her favourite object, but she is starting to explore other techniques, going from graphic, pure composes in gray and black to wild, flowing creations in vibrant colours, with streaks of gold and silver in it.

She goes from painting portraits to create dreamlike landscapes where Bellamy is always present, but more like a shadow in the back or a shape in a tree or represented just by a hand or a heart, placed somewhere in the picture to fracture it, wreck the symmetry and disrupt the harmony.

Her painting is a way of healing, working through her grief over the past months emotional inferno and her sadness over losing Bellamy, or at least that’s where it starts but in the end it’s more than that, it’s her voice, her outlet, her joy and passion.

She shows Henry some of her work, and he asks her to take pictures. One day when she stops by his shop, a friend of his that owns an art gallery is there and it turns out Henry has shown her some of Clarke’s paintings and she asks if Clarke would be interested in an exhibition at her gallery come fall.

Clarke goes home, then, thinking about the offer and overall about her life choices, her eagerness to be successful and do what is regarded by society to be so. But what does she really want to do? What gives her days meaning and brings her happiness? Suddenly she knows the answer has been there, in front of her, all along. So she decides to take the leap. She calls the hospital to let them know she resigns her internship for the fall. Then she calls her mother to tell her she’s decided to take a year off, living off the money her father left her, that she wants to explore her art and ways to make a living, painting. Abby isn’t thrilled, but she accepts Clarke’s decision with very little resistance, something that surprises Clarke.

As Clarke is getting her life in order, she realises some of the things that has happened, as bad as they were, actually has brought a lot of good with it. If she looks at her life now, as to a year ago, she has grown emotionally and is much more in tune with herself, her wishes and desires, much more true and honest with herself than before. 

She misses Bellamy, though. Because being true to herself also means this, being true about what she’s feeling. And she misses him. It’s like a constant absence of something in her, a void she can’t fill. It speaks to her when she is lying sleepless at night, it whispers to her as she paints, it roars in her when she is out with her friends at a club or a bar. She misses him, and it doesn’t ease up, it doesn’t lessen and she doesn’t think it ever will.

One day in late june, as she is seated at her balcony, reading in the sun, her phone rings. It’s Octavia. 

”Hi Clarke! It’s O! How are you? God, I’ve missed you, it’s been ages. So sorry I’m so bad at keeping in touch. I don’t deserve my friends.”

Clarke smiles. 

”Hi Octavia. It goes both ways, you know? I’ve been a stranger too. But you know, stuff...”

”Yeah. I know, Clarke. I talked to Bellamy yesterday. So yeah. I know.”

Clarke inhales sharply. She hasn’t spoken to Bellamy for nearly two months, and from what her friends has told her, neither has any of them, except for Miller. He says Bellamy is doing better, apparently no longer hanging with Dax or on a destructive booze and sex rampage (which, according to Miller, was of a very short duration, since Miller made an ’intervention’, not explaining what that exactly entailed, but knowing Bellamy and Miller, it probably came to blows).

”How is he?” she ask, and she can hear the egerness in her own voice.”

Octavia sighs.

”Well. Not great, but better? Clarke, I know you only ask because you care about him, but Bellamy finally confinded in me, and I can’t break his trust by telling others.”

”Oh, no of course not! I wouldn’t want you to! I just... I miss him, you know?”

”Yes Clarke, I know. But hey, guess what? You’ll get to see him soon, as well as me and Lincoln, if you’d like.”

”What? When?”

”Well, you know Lincoln’s boss has a place up by lake Cockcrow? He asked if Lincoln was interested in lending it for a week! So we are inviting all of the old gang and we’re all going a forthnight from now. Please tell me you can make it?”

Clarke’s heart floods with joy at the thought of seeing all her friends for a whole week, but then Bellamy’s face flashes before her eyes, his voice as he told her he couldn’t be around her.

”Octavia, that sounds great, but I don’t think Bellamy would want me there.”

”He’s fine with it! It’s more him that’s not sure he wants to come, because of... well, everything with all of you, but I said he is coming or I will find him and drag him there by his hair, so yeah, he’s coming, because, you know, ”the hair, never the hair!”

Clarke laughs a little then. She knows Octavia is just trying to lighten the mood, because if it’s one thing Bellamy is not, it’s vain, but she appreciate the gesture. So Clarke says she will come and they hang up shortly after, with promises of getting back to each other soon about preparations for the trip.

•

Two weeks later, after a two hour drive where Murphy and Emori has been bickering lovingly at each other the entire time, only interupted by Murphy holwing along to Bon Jovi’s ’I’ll be there for you’, very loud, very out of tune, they finally arrive.

The house, or timber loge, is huge. It has three floors and a large porch surrounding the entire house. Clarke spots the lake between the trees, glimmering in the sun.

The door flies open and Octavia is waving at them, while Lincoln decends down the stairs to help them with their luggage. Monty and Harper, Jasper, Miller and Jackson also joins them at the porch. Wells couldn’t make it, unfortunately, Octavia explains (apparently he has met someone and is going to see her parents this weekend) but Raven is joining later, ”possibly with Wick, if he hasn’t pissed her off before it’s time to leave”, Octavia says and everyone laughs at that, because those two, really?

Clarke is tense and nervous, wondering if Bellamy is already there, or not coming, or showing up later, when Octavia grabs her by the wrist, whispering ”he is down by the lake” before she let go, turning to the others.

”Want to see your rooms?”

When everyone is settled comfortably (Clarke got a wonderful room at the top floor, overlooking the lake) Octavia is getting started on lunch and Murphy, being a chef, offers to help. The others join them in the kitchen, laughing and joking and being the goofy people they are, so Clarke sees the opportunity to slip away.

Once outside, she takes of her sandals and walks barefoot the path leading down to the lake.

She instantly spots him, sitting on the edge of the jetty, lost in thoughts, looking out over the water. A wave of warmth and love and tenderness spreads in Clarke’s chest. She knew she had missed him, she just now fully understands how much.

The jetty creeks a little as she steps on it, blending with the sounds of the water, creating that typical, peaceful atmosphere of a small forest lake.

When she comes up next to him, she just stands there for a little bit, unsure wheter to sit down or not, not sure if he thinks she is violating his privacy, when he breaks the silence, speaking softly.

”Hi Clarke.”

She relaxes then, sits down besides him, folding her legs under her.

”Hi Bellamy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s interesting how when writing, you have an idea of where you’re going and then the story takes totally new routes, seemingly by it self? Yeah, that’s what happened.


	17. Chapter 17

They sit there for a while, looking out over the water, in silence. Clarke doesn’t feel the need to talk, she feels blessed just sitting there beside him again, just basking in the warmth of the sun and of him. He doesn’t say anything either, seems content with her presence. They could have stayed that way for a long time, she feels, but suddenly there’s footsteps and there’s Jasper, sent to let them know lunch is ready.

When they get up to the house, Octavia has set the table outside. All their friends are already seated when they arrive and Clarke can feel Bellamy tense up. 

”Bell, you sit over there, next to Harper.” Octavia dictates. ”Clarke, you’re with me, I need to know everything that’s going on with you, ok?”

Despite Bellamy being quiet and a bit off standish, the lunch becomes a joyful gathering, giving friends time to catch up and reconnect after a busy and weird spring. Everyone is talking and laughing and enjoying themselves. 

Then Octavia turns to Clarke.

”Ok, everyone, shut it, ok! I want to hear what you’ve been up to, Clarke?”

Bellamy, at the end of the table, tenses up once again but the rest of her friends doesn’t seem to notice. Clarke blushes a little.

”Oh, you know. Busy at the hospital. But... I might as well just tell you - I am taking a year off!”

Everyone starts talking at once, just Bellamy sits quiet, just looking at her with an unreadable expression, like he is waiting for her to drop a bomb, but doesn’t know what kind.

”SHUT UP!” Octavia yells. ”Let her speak!”

Clarke laughs a little, then.

”Well, I took up painting again but, you know, being more serious than before, like really making an effort expressing myself? Yeah, so I have been painting a lot, and this art guy that I kind of know, he has this friend who owns a gallery and she wants to do an exhibition with my art this fall.”

Everyone starts talking and cheering and congratulate her but all she sees is Bellamy as their eyes lock. He looks away almost imediately, but not before she sees a small smile spreading on his face.

After lunch, everyone part ways to do different things. Murphy is tired and wants to take a nap, so Emori joins him, while Monty and Harper decide to take a hike and Jasper tags along. Octavia and Lincoln need to go grocery shopping and Miller and Jackson go up to the tennis court to play a game. Bellamy just disappears, so Clarke is left on her own. 

The surroundings are so beautiful and the lake so traquil that Clarke decides to paint. She goes to her room and grabs her things and then she heads down to the lake again.

She sets up her easel by the shore, where she has a nice wiew over the lake and the old, worn jetty. She soon loses herself in the strokes of her brush and the scenario she is trying to capture. That’s why she doesn’t notice him at first, but then she senses a movement behind her and she just knows it’s him. He sits down in the sand at a safe distance as she continues to paint, in silence. 

”So, an exhibition, huh? Congratulations. That’s... that’s really great, Clarke.”

She smiles, feeling happiness spread in her chest.

”Yeah”, she says.

”So, you know ’an art guy’, do you?” He makes an effort to sound aloof, but she can hear the tension underneeth.

”Yes, I do. His name is Henry, he owns an art supply store near my apartment and he’s a pretty great guy. Also, he’s about seventy, or so.”

She can hear him mentally exhale.

”Cool.”

”Yeah.”

They fall silent again. Clarke is surprised how easy it is for her to lose herself in her painting, even with him being there. But then again, that’s how it always was between them, before everything got so twisted and messed up. But she refuses to dwell on that. Instead, she focuses on the present, being in the moment, relishing in the fact that he is sitting there with her, enjoying the stillness and the peacefulness of it all.

They stay there for the entire afternoon. They don’t speak much and what they do say is of little consequence, but the comfortable silence between them speak volumes. When Clarke finally is done, starting to pack up, it’s late afternoon. 

”Let me take that for you”, Bellamy says and grabs the easel with the painting.

”Just be careful, the paint isn’t dry yet.”

”Wow, Clarke.” Bellamy stops and takes a good look at the painting. ”This is beautiful. It’s like all wrong... I mean, it’s the wrong colours in all the wrong places and dots and streaks and... is that a heart? Well, but all together, it’s like you’ve captured the feeling of today, making it more real than the real thing. Did that make any sense? You know I know nothing of art?”

Clarke smiles.

”It made every sense. And you don’t have to know to feel. Tell you what, since you seem to like it so much, I’ll give it to you, that is if you want it?”

Bellamy looks at her with an astounded expression on his face.

”Really? Are you sure?”

”Yes, Bellamy. Very.”

When they get up to the house, Raven and Wick has just arrived. When Raven spots Clarke and Bellamy, she looks from one to the other, pointedly. 

”Blake”, she says, guardingly.

”Reyes”, Bellamy replies, grudgingly.

”Wick and Griffin”, Wick says. ”Good, now we are all on a last name basis. Man, I feel so much better knowing that.”

Raven glares at Wick while Bellamy just starts walking up the stairs, not bothering to look at either Wick nor Raven again.

”Wow. Though crowd”, Wick says, making a face. ”So Clarke, how’s my favourite girlsfriend’s best friend, huh?”

Clarke just smiles, as Raven snorts and pushes at Wick.

”What? Someone needs to be a bit friendly here, ok? Otherwise hell might actually freeze over. Not that this is hell though”, he calls as Raven just rolls her eyes and follows Clarke inside the house.

”Why did I bring him? Don’t answer. And you”, Raven points at Clarke, ”have some explaining to do!”

Clarke suddenly feels her walls going up. She doesn’t want to talk about her and Bellamy’s afternoon together. It’s fragile, delicate, something that’s only hers, not ready to be explored or discussed or questioned. Luckily Octavia emerges from the kitchen.

”Finally! Hi Raven, good to see you Kyle, come, I’ll show you to your room. Clarke, could you give Murphy a hand in the kitchen? He’s making coleslaw for the barbeque and man, he’s making a lot, so chop, chop?”

The barbeque turns out to be the best meal Clarke’s had in a good, long while, and the others agree. Murphy has truly outdone himself. He takes their compliments and praise in good old Murphy style, making jokes about how the good one’s are always taken, nudging Bellamy with his foot while saying it. Bellamy doesn’t bite, though, just looks away. 

Jackson brings out his guitar later and they all sit around the fire in the warm summer night, singing songs together and Clarke is feeling happy but also a bit sad, because she realises this can be one of the last times they will ever be together like this, all of them. Life is changing, they are getting older, getting new priorities, heading for new careers, possibly starting families, moving away, moving on. One of them has already done so, she figures, Wells chosing his new life over his old. The natural order of things, but still a little sad.

When the fire fades, they are all a bit tired, and one after another says good night and heads back into the house. Finally, it’s just her and Octavia, Lincoln and Bellamy left.

”Thanks for a lovely day, guys. I’m so glad you invited me.” Clarke says, getting up. ”This much fresh air, though? I’m beat. See you all tomorrow?” 

”Wait up, I’m coming with”, Bellamy says. ”Night Lincoln, love you, O.”

”Love you too, big brother. Night Clarke”, Octavia says. 

She and Bellamy walk in silence to the house and up the stairs and as it is, Bellamy has got the only other bedroom on the third floor, clever Octavia. It gets a tiny bit awkward then, Bellamy not really knowing how to handle himself, but Clarke decides it’s only awkward if she lets it be, so she just opens her bedroom door, turns around and says

”Good night, Bellamy.”

He exhales then, smiling a little as he opens the door to his room, in turn.

”Good night, Clarke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t have much to say, other than I feel very good about Clarke’s mental journey, who wasn’t planned when I started writing, but became a nessecity as the story developed.


	18. Chapter 18

The days that follows are the best Clarke’s had for a really long time. She paints a lot. Sometimes Bellamy joins her, sometimes Raven. She goes for a hike with Harper, cooks some more with Murphy and finally gets to know Jackson a little. 

But things with Bellamy are at a stand still. She can’t help feeling they are stuck in some weird in between, where she doesn’t know how to take the next step, afraid to break the ease that has been there between them during the week. She loves the fact that they are talking again, but being so close to him all week has made her realise how much she really wants him, in every way (Bellamy in tight swimwear is really a sight to be seen) and she feels a bit frustrated, to be honest. Being at the lake has been like being in a bubble, safe from the world outside. She doesn’t know what will happen once they get back to the city, to their normal lives. Will he disappear again, leave her hanging until the next time they meet through friends? 

When it’s time to go home, everyone gathers in the courtyard, hug each other (Harper cries a little) and everyone is saying they had the most awesome week and ”let’s do this again real soon!” Everyone except Bellamy who sits at the porch, looking grumpy and closed off. When Murphy runs up to get Emori’s headphones that she has forgotten in their room, Clarke slowly strolls up to the porch and leans against the railing.

”So, don’t be a stranger?” she says, searching his eyes.

He shrugs a little, looking down at her. 

”You too, ok”, he nods.

”Ok.”

She leaves with an anxious heart, hoping more than trusting he will call her.

•

He does call, though. 

It’s been about a week since the trip, and Clarke has been at the gallery to look at the place and discuss what paintings to chose for the exhibition. Clarke has brought some of the colourful dreamscapes, as well as some of the paintings she made at the lake, but at the last minute she also brought two of the dark, graphic, chaotic paintings of Bellamy, the ones that started her creative process, although she still finds them a bit to personal.

The gallerist is thrilled about them and wants to divide the room into three segments, with the paintings of Bellamy in one section, the dreamscapes in another and her lake paintings in the third. 

”I must say, this is some of the most original and emotionally provocative work I’ve seen recently. And to have them together like this. Well, it’s like watching a grief process.”

Clarke just nods a little, thinking that yes, that’s what it’s been.

When she comes out of the gallery she checks her phone that she had on mute mode during her meeting with the gallerist, and that’s when she sees that she has a missed call from Bellamy. Her stupid heart swells in her chest, as she calls him back. He picks up almost immediately.

”Bellamy.” 

”Hi. It’s Clarke. Sorry, I missed your call, I was in a meeting.”

”... So, how have you been?” Bellamy sounds a little tense, Clarke thinks. 

”Oh, you know. Fine. I’ve been finishing some of the paintings I made scetches for, at the lake. Actually, I was just at the gallery to plan for the exhibition of my work. We’ve set a date. It will be opening august 10, at The Wall.”

”That’s great, Clarke! I’m so happy for you. And so soon, too.” The tension is gone from his voice.

”Yeah, I know. I hope you can come to the opening? Raven is throwing me a party at her place after. It would meen a lot if you came.” She swallows.

”Of course I’ll come, Clarke. Would be a complete idiot to miss that.”

Clarke smiles into the phone, probably looking ridiculous to people passing her on the street, but she doesn’t care.

”Great! But enough about me, how about you? How are things at the university?”

”Well, it’s good, I guess. I’m putting the finishing touches on an article I’m having published in The Journal of American History, so yeah...” He is trying to downplay it, but Clarke hears the excitement in his voice.

”Really?! Congratulations, Bellamy! That’s big! Bet the collegues are jealous right now, huh?

Bellamy snorts. 

”So, anyways”, he continues, ”I just called to ask if you wanted to go for a cup of coffee some day?”

That ridiculous smile is back on her face at that.

”I would love to.”

”Cool. So, are you free tomorrow, or?”

”It just so happens that I am.”

•

So they go for coffee. And then again, soon after that. It quickly becomes their new thing, meeting at their favourite coffee shop, spending a couple of hours there, just hanging out. They have a good time. They talk, they laugh, the sit in silence. It’s good. It’s almost like it was before Echo. Just not quite.

There’s something guarded over Bellamy, all the time. No matter how good a time they are having, he never lets her in, fully. And he never suggest anything except the coffee dates, never asks if she wants to take a walk after or come along to hang at his place. Of course she could ask, but she instinctivly feels that would not go over well. And it starts to eat at her and it sort of pisses her off. She feels like he is stringing her along, and that’s not a good feeling. She doesn’t want to push, but she needs to know where they stand. Are they going back to being just friends, never mentioning what almost happened between them, or are they moving forward, trying to become something more? She keeps thinking she should ask him, but somehow she never comes around to it.

The weeks passes, and soon it’s the week of the opening of her exhibition. She is thrilled and terrified at the same time. Bellamy calls to see if she can make it for coffee as usual, but she tells him no, since she has to much to do before friday. 

She stops by the gallery on wednesday afternoon and when she walks in and sees her paintings hanging there, framed and set, she feels proud. This is hers, something she has worked hard for, something that really means something to her.

The paintings of Bellamy, all hung together, is strikingly intimate and raw and Clarke suddenly has second thoughts about having included them. What will Bellamy say? People will most certainly recognize him. Will he be flattered or upset? She knows it’s to late to change anything, though, and in a way, it’s good. Maybe this is what will push them out of this blind alley.

When she steps out of the gallery, she litterally walks into Finn. There’s some awkward seconds where they both apologize at the same time, then falling silent. Finn smiles a little then, regaining his boyish charm.

”Clarke! What are the odds? So, how is the heartbreaker queen doing these days?” he winks, looking mighty pleased with himself as Clarke blushes.

”If you’re expecting a great comeback, sorry but I’ve got nothing, drama queen”, she says.

Finn laughs then, that carefree, easy laughter that she loves. She realises she is genuinely happy to see him. He is truly a great guy.

”No, but seriously, what are you doing in these quarters in midday? I thought you scrubs were like vampires, only coming out after sundown?”

”You are on a roll today, I can tell”, she smirks. ”But no, I have taken a year off. I took up painting again. Actually, I’m having a vernissage for my first exhibition on friday. In there.” She points at The Wall.

”Awesome! That’s really cool. I might try to stop by, if that’s alright with you?”

”Yeah, sure! Raven’s going, so maybe you can talk to her?”

”I will.” Finn stops grinning and just looks at her for a bit. She feels a bit scrutinized, to be honest.

”What?” 

”Oh, nothing. Just... it’s good to see you, Clarke.”

”You too, Finn”, she says, and means it.

He suddenly leans forward and pulls her into a hug, and after a short hesitation, she hugs him back.

”Ok, I really gotta run! See you friday!” Finn says, before taking off in a brisk pace. 

She turns to leave when her eyes catches the sight of a familiar broad back and a tousled, dark mop of hair, disappearing around the corner. She freezes in her tracks. 

”Oh, for crying out loud! What are the odds?!” she exclaims. 

She’s thinking about going after him, but in the end she decides not to. ”He can stew for a bit”, she thinks to herself, then turns and walks home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is drawing near, but I’m in denial, since I live for this fic at presant.


	19. Chapter 19

On the day of the vernissage, Clarke arrives early to the gallery. She is wearing a dress she bought especially for the occasion, a literal splash of colours, the pattern resembling colours on a palette, overlapping and blending. It’s draped over one shoulder, hugging her curves just right. She is also wearing a matching pair of high heels, dark purple and turquoise. 

The gallery looks different, the lights dimmed except for the spotlights illuminating her paintings. There are tables with champagne and grapes and canapées and in the middle, a huge candelabrum, creating a suggestive and warm atmosphere. Clarke thinks it all looks amazing.

At six a clock the guests starts showing up. Soon the place is filled with people creating that typical buzz clarke loves. It reminds her of when her dad took her to the theater as a little girl. She suddenly spots Raven and Finn and hurries over to say hi.

”Clarke!” Raven yells, while giving her a hug, ”Congrats, girl! Still can’t believe this. So many people! It’s going to be hard to get a good view of your stuff with all those people in the way!”

Clarke laughs a little.

”I guess. Oh, I’m so glad you’re here! Hi Finn!” She gives him a hug too.

”Hi Clarke! So, how’s our big shot artist doing? Nervous?” He grins at her.

”A little, I guess. But worst case scenario, I don’t sell anything and go back the hospital, begging them to take me back.” She suddenly spots some of her other friends enter. ”Look, there’s Jasper and Monty, and Harper too. I think they are all...”

At that moment, the gallerist clears her voice.

”Dear friends, collegues, critics and art lovers - welcome. It’s not everyday you come across a new, young artist and just instantly knows, this is talent, something special, a unique voice. But when I saw some of this young woman’s work at Henry’s place, I just knew.”

She turns to Clarke.

”This exhibition is called ”Colours of you”, and is divided into three parts. They symbolize an emotional journey and goes through three fazes, from the graphic, simplistic, yet chaotic portraits, to the colourful, flowing yet disrupted dreamscapes, to finally end in the concilliated, tranquil lake paintings. Ladies and gentlemen, let me present to you, Clarke Griffin!”

There are applauds and some wolf-whistles, no doubt provided by Jasper. She smiles, thanks the gallerist for this opportunity, dodges the sensitive topic of having to publicly explain more about the origins of her art by saying ”the meaning is found in the eye of the beholder”, such a cliché, but the audience seems to buy it.

All of a sudden Clarke is being led around the room by the gallerist to meet and greet people in the art business, to shake hands with critics and answer questions about her art, her tecnique and her sources of inspiration. So many people seems to want to speak with her. She smiles, nods and tries to answer all questions without revealing to much of herself. 

As she is speaking to another gallerist about a possible exibition of her art the coming spring, she suddenly spots Bellamy, lost in deep thoughts in front of the portraits. It’s impossible for her to read his expression from this distance. She wants to go over and talk to him, but she can’t leave as that would be rude and probably cost her a great opportunity. 

When she is finally released, hours later, she is kind of overwhelmed, a bit tired and in desperate need to see her friends. She looks around but doesn’t see anyone of them, until she suddenly spots Finn, standing in front of the lake paintings. 

”Hi Finn!”

He turns and looks at her with a warm, open expression.

”Hi Clarke.”

”Where is everyone?”

”Oh, they left about twenty minutes ago, went to set some stuff up at Raven’s place. I said I would wait for you so we can take a cab together.”

”Ah, ok.”

”Oh yeah, I promised them I would tell you they all loved your paintings, they of course expect you to gift each and everyone of them one, oh and yes, don’t forget them now that you’re famous, or they will reveal all your dirty secrets to the tabloids.” He grins.

”Oh, I bet they did.” Clarke smiles. ”Tell you what, let’s just leave? I’ve had enough of artsy people for one day. Let’s go to Raven and get wasted?”

”Sounds like a plan, Clarke!”

In the cab, they sit in an comfortable silence. All of a sudden, Finn speaks.

”Clarke, really, that was some spectacular art back there. So... clarifying, I guess is the word.” 

She instantly knows he’s talking about the portraits, and she knows he saw it. The love, the angst, the sorrow of losing Bellamy, the desperation and need. She knows it, because that’s what she poured into them as she painted. And if he sees it, that means the others probably did to. Certainly Bellamy. A blush creeps up her cheeks.

”Finn, I’m...”

”Don’t worry, Clarke. I already knew, right? And I’m fine with it now, ok? It is what it is. You met him first. Nothing to do about it. I just hope he realises what he’s got in you, that’s all.”

She glances at him. He isn’t looking at her, just sits there looking out the window with a sad smile on his lips as the cab takes them through the city night.

When they get to Raven’s place, she is greeted by cheers and hugs, all of her friends being there, congratulating her. Bellamy’s there to, once again in the background, his face unreadable. He stares at Finn, then shift his gaze to lock eyes with her. She thinks she sees some anger shifting in his eyes, but then it’s gone, replaced with indifference. 

In an instant, all her happiness from before is gone. She feels her heart sinking, an utter sadness spreading within her. 

”Clarke!” Raven suddenly calls and when she turns around, there’s Raven, handing her a glass of champagne. 

”Can I have your attention, people?” Raven yells. Everyone falls quiet. ”Clarke, dear friend. I think I speak for all of us when I say ’god damn, girl!’” 

Everyone laughs st that, it’s such a Raven thing to say. Raven continues.

”Awesome work! Really. I’m so proud of you! Did you actually see all the red dots by your paintings?! I think they were all sold! Your first exhibition, and you sell out!”

”Except for the one’s of Blake’s ugly mug, but you can’t blame people!” Miller shouts and everyone is laughing and Bellamy just rolls his eyes, looking annoyed, glaring at Miller. 

That’s when Clarke realises, this is it. This is the moment to be honest about her feelings for Bellamy. She has had it with not knowing where they stand, of trying to hide her feelings from her friends and from Bellamy, tired of having emotional whiplash or, worse, being caught in some dead lock, not moving forward but unable to go back. She is tired, period. So, this. Now. This is where it all will be settled, one way or the other. She is completely horrified and all excited at once. Everything slows down inside her, as she takes a deep breath and then looks at Miller.

”They were never for sale, Miller. They will never be for sale. They are mine and I’ll keep them. I’ll never give them away. Because they are to important to me. Because the pers...” she hesitates for a brief moment, and then she finally says it. ”Because Bellamy is to important to me.”

There’s a silence after her announcement. No one speaks. It’s like the entire room is waiting to exhale. 

She finally looks up at Bellamy. He is staring right at her, and for the first time since that night in her appartment, he is totally unguarded, face open, and she sees fear and grief and excitement and hope in his features. It’s like he is waiting for something still, not daring to believe that she meant what he hopes she meant. So she dares for the both of them, jumps off the cliff in blind faith.

”I still love you, Bell.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wasn’t pleased with the way the first draft of chapter 20 turned out. It became to graphic without the same emotional feel as the rest of my story, so I took it down and rewrote it, entirely. In case you were wondering.

Bellamy closes the distance between them in a couple of big strides, wrapping her up in his arms, hugging her tight as he hides his face in her neck.

”I’m so sorry, Clarke”, he whispers, ”please forgive me for hurting you. I love you so much.”

Clarke feels like all the cracked and broken pieces inside her are being put back together, healing seamlessly, and she can’t help thinking that loving somebody as much as she loves Bellamy also means being completly vulnerable and that is not an entirely good thing, but she can’t help it. 

They stand there, wrapped up in each other, until their friends starts cheering and shouting and Miller lets out a sigh of relief.

”Finally. You were driving me nuts with your brooding, man!”

Everyone laughs then, and Clarke and Bellamy steps apart a little but not letting go, their fingers entwined. Jasper brings more champagne from the kitchen and Miller turns up the music, and soon the party is in full swing, everyone laughing, talking, dancing and having fun.

Clarke stays by Bellamy’s side, his arm flung around her shoulders. She is in such a state of happiness, so in love, that she can’t do annything about the constant smile stuck on her face. Jasper mimicks her, Harper looks like she’s about to start crying happy tears and Murphy quirks his eyebrow, smirking while shaking his head. Clarke doesn’t mind, though. She just keeps smiling.

After an hour or so, Bellamy pulls her aside.

”Clarke, I can’t do this much longer. I need to be alone with you, like right now. We need to talk. And I want to do other stuff with you that I don’t think our friends would like to witness. Except maybe Murphy. So we really, really need to leave.” 

Clarke’s entire being is flushed with anticipation.

”Let’s leave!” she whispers.

They try to sneak away, because how do you announce to your friends that you’re leaving early from your own party without everyone understanding that your actually leaving to have sex? Raven catches them, though.

”Don’t you dare sneak out on me, lovebirds!” Raven hugs them both. ”Ok, now you may go. In fact, please do? You two, eyefucking each other, it’s getting annoying!”

Bellamy just shakes his head, looking away with a smirk on his face, but Clarke blushes a little.

”Thank you so much for the party, Raven, I really appreciate it. It’s just...”

”Oh, just go! I get it, don’t worry. It’s written all over your faces!”

She just laughs and pushes them out of the apartment. Once outside, Bellamy catches a cab and quickly tells the driver the address. As they get into the back seat, he pulls her close, tilting her chin up and then he is kissing her. Clarke gets so lost in the feeling of his mouth on hers and his hands in her hair that she doesn’t get back to reality until the cab driver clears his throat, informing them that they’ve reached Bellamy’s apartment.

It’s been so long since Clarke been at Bellamy’s, and for a second she gets anxious that to much will have changed, that Echo might have left to many traces, but when she enters, her fears shrivels, as it is just like coming home.

”You want anything?” Bellamy asks.

She turns and looks at him. He is standing there in his suit, looking so unbelievable beautiful with his dark, messy curls and his freckles that is like a night sky full of stars, and that smile on his face that makes her heart ache, because how is it possible for him to be this gorgeous?

”Just you, Bell”, she says.

He slowly closes in on her, and when they are almost touching, he gives her a feather light kiss on her forehead.

”I want you too, Clarke. But I don’t want to rush this.” He swallows. ”There’s some things I need to say.”

Clarke feels panic flare in her chest and he sees it, immediately, and grips her shoulders, searching her eyes.

”No Clarke, nothing bad, no restrictions, nothing like that, I promise. I’m yours. In fact, I’ve always been. I don’t want anything else, or anyone else. I just want you. And I’m so deeply sorry for everything I’ve put you through, and being such an emotional mess. But I love you, Clarke. And I will try to make this past year up to you in all sorts of possible ways. When I saw the portraits you had made of me...” He falls quiet.

”I painted them directly after you told me about Echo being...” she can’t make herself say ’pregnant’ but she doesn’t have to.

”Yeah, I figured. About that, your art, it’s... wow. Really amazing. But it feels a bit weird for me to say so, since I know how much pain and hurt there is behind it and that I’m the cause of that.”

”It wasn’t your fault, Bell. You tried to do right. And I’ve realised, if it weren’t for everything that has happened, I wouldn’t have taken up painting again so in a way the pain brought something good, too.”

Bellamy looks at her with a soft expression on his face, and then he pulls her into his arms and kisses her. The kiss is soft and exploring at first but soon turns heated. When they break apart they are both panting.

Bellamy takes her by the hand and leads her to his bedroom. There, he kisses her again, as he pulls down the zipper at the back of her dress. She steps out of it, standing there in her new, lavender coloured lingerie. Bellamy looks at her, with so much want and love in his eyes that something in her chest is tightening.

”Clarke, you are so beautiful. I can’t believe this is real, that after everything I can have this...”

He takes of his jacket and undoes his tie, tossing it at a chair by the bed. He struggles some with the buttons in his shirt but finally manages to get them unbuttoned. Clarke steps forward then, helping him take it off, admiring his beautiful body. He pulls her against him and the feeling of his naked skin against hers makes her shiver. She kisses him, and Bellamy moans a little as their tongues meet and she feels his erection against her stomach, through his pants.

”Let’s get these off”, she says, as she unbuttons his trousers, pulling down the zipper, and then her hand is palming him through his boxers and he grunts, burrying his head at her neck.

”God, Clarke! I want you so much”, he pants, as her hand traces the outline of his cock through his boxers. He kicks his trousers off, while pushing into her touch.

She releases him, taking a few steps back until she feels the bed behind her. He quickly pulls of his socks, then follows her, reaching out to touch her again. He pushes her back on the bed, crawling on top of her, pressing his body into hers. It feels so good, Clarke can’t control the moan escaping her.

”What do you want, Clarke? I’ll do anything you want, just tell me?” he pants as he grinds down on her. 

”Just kiss me, Bell?”

So he does. He kisses her until her insides is all turned to jelly and she is all wet and yearning for him. Finally his hands travels to her breasts, cupping them through her bra.

”Take it off, Bell! I need your hands on me!”

He unhooks her bra and slides it down her arms. He takes her breasts in his hands, cuping them, before he leans forward, taking one nipple into his mouth while his hand is playing with the other. Clarke’s back arches from the bed, lost in the sensation of his mouth on her, nibbling, sucking, swirling.

In no time she is panting, trashing beneath him, desperate for more. When she feels his fingers slide inside her panties, cupping her cunt, gliding along her slit, she gasps again, spreading her legs to give him better access. When his fingers glides through her wet folds and finds their way inside her, Clarke almost sobs.

”God Clarke, you feel so good, so hot and wet and perfect. I want to taste you so bad. Can I taste you, Clarke?” Bellamy breathes in her ear.

”Yes, yes please, Bellamy! I need you so much!” Clarke whines.

Bellamy sits up between her thighs then, pulling her panties down, exposing her to his hungry eyes.

”Clarke, your pussy... it’s... fuck!”

Bellamy actually growls, and before she knows it he is between her thighs, pushing them apart and then his mouth is on her and she thinks she might die because she is so whired up and he is so skilled and the things he does with his tongue, on her clit, inside her, pushing deeper, and he is talking as he licks her, telling her she smells so good, tastes even better, how much he loves her, how wet and hot she is, how pretty and pink her pussy is and when he takes her clit into his mouth, sucking on it, that’s it, it’s all Clarke can take, as she tosses her head back, comming with a silent scream, harder than she ever has. Small, mewling noises escapes her as her walls keeps fluttering through her orgasm. 

She thinks she actually blacks out for a bit after that. When she comes too, he is lying beside her, looking at her, stroking her chin.

Clarke reaches up and caresses his cheek in return, carding her hands into his dark curls.

”I want you inside me, Bell. So much. Right now.”

Bellamy becomes a bit frantic then, rummaging through the drawer of the night stand, searching for condoms. When he finally finds one, he pushes his boxers down, tears open the condom and rolls it over his lenght with shaky fingers. He then settles between her thighs, laying down on top of her, and as she takes him in her hand and guides him inside of her, he is looking into her eyes with so much love and warmth and happiness, but when he enters her, the feeling becomes to much for him and he has to close his eyes as something between a moan and a sob escapes him. He starts thrusting then, panting and moaning as he does, lost in extasy, mouth slack with lust, eyes unfocused. Clarke starts telling him how good he feels, how he fits perfectly inside her, filling her up, so heavy and thick, wanting this to be about him and his pleasure, but in no time his movements triggers another orgasm inside her, one that takes her all by surprise and as she clamps down around him, gasping as she is hit by wave after wave of pleasure, in the middle of it she senses Bellamy’s thrusts becoming erratic and then he goes taut, coming with a low growl, shaking above her, then collapsing on top of her.

They just lay there together, silent, basking in the afterglow, savouring the moment, overwhelmed by how their entire world somehow just shifted and turned, and is now completly and utterly changed, forever.

”I love you so much, Clarke”, Bellamy whispers. ”So, so much. I’m never letting you go again. Ever. You’re stuck with me now. Just so you know that.”

She combs his hair with her fingers, his lovely, beautiful, silky hair, while she strokes over his back, soothing, soft circles, as she pulls him close.

”That sounds perfect to me, Bell. Just prefect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s it, folks!
> 
> It’s been so great writing this story, and I’m so grateful for those of you who have been with me, leaving kudos and comments, encouraging me and giving me feedback.
> 
> I feel a little empty now, I must say. I will miss those characters and yes, I will miss you. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> My first AU. Kudos and comments are worth so much to me.


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